


The Stages of Change

by baeconandeggs, thatSlytheringirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Dubious Consent, Emotional Abuse, Explicit Sex, Gaslighting, Implied Mpreg, Infidelity, M/M, Manipulation, Physical Abuse, Slice of Life, Smut, Verbal Abuse, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:21:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24497851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatSlytheringirl/pseuds/thatSlytheringirl
Summary: Chanyeol loved Baekhyun when the latter couldn't even love himself. See where they are now, a nice house with two kids. It really is nice loving him.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 42
Kudos: 343
Collections: BAE2020, Best Of CB's Fic, My's Marked Read Cb's





	The Stages of Change

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** BAE026  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** The story is based on the song Clean by Taylor Swift and the stages of change (or the Transtheoretical Model) created by Prochaska and DiClemente to treat addictions. The story has a heavy theme, so read with caution please, and pay attention to the tags!
> 
> I would like to thank my beta for her amazing work! Without her this story would be a complete mess! She was very supportive throughout and did an amazing job! Also, I'd like to thank S and J for helping me when I got stuck or when I needed a second opinion about the story. And of course, thank you to the mods for the fantastic work!

Baekhyun hummed a soft melody under his breath as he watched the scene unfolding in front of him with fondness settling comfortably in his chest. A small smile spread across his features and he sat down on the grass, entranced deeply by the beauty of the reality in front of his eyes.

His family was everything to him and without them, he wouldn’t be where he currently was.

Once upon a time, he’d hit rock bottom after life had thrown many obstacles in his way that he was unsure he could overcome. Thankfully, Chanyeol had come along and given him the necessary push to get himself out of the black hole he found himself in.

He chuckled at the memory, his chest constricting slightly as the lingering remnants of scars that had long healed, but that remained in his heart, ached slightly. 

There was a time when he had lost himself in his own misery. When life had gotten the best of him. He didn’t know what self-love was and had allowed the demons in his mind to overcome him and rule him. He’d been ruined, broken, torn apart from his very core, and tossed around like a ragged doll. 

He bit his bottom lip and smiled as his eyes met Chanyeol’s from across the backyard. His husband’s features brightening up beautifully as they did so. 

Gladly, all those horrible feelings were in the past. Though ugly thoughts popped up here and there, he could tell himself that he was happy and that self-love had finally bloomed in his heart.

Looking back, he felt proud of himself and of the long journey he’d travelled. Sometimes he liked to reminisce on the old memories of darker days just to remind himself of everything he’d accomplished and as he stared at Chanyeol and their two children, he found himself falling back into a spiral of past.

XXXX

At twenty-one, Baekhyun felt exhausted. 

Life was hard, as he’d come to learn with the years, and as more days passed the more he believed that fate enjoyed fucking everything up. University was stressful as always, work was… well work, his family were constantly pestering him for no particular reason and his love life… was a mess.

His hands turned into tight fists as anger over his last fight with Sehun, his boyfriend of two years, fleeted through his mind once again. He couldn’t even remember what had triggered it and he didn’t care either. That was irrelevant. The problem was his boyfriend’s hurtful words. Words that had started to become repetitive with every misunderstanding they got into, which had started to become far too frequent lately.

Sighing, he closed his eyes for a moment as he tried to reign his feelings. It wasn’t the time or place to be thinking about that. 

He heard the front door of the little café he worked at open and immediately plastered a fake smile on his face. “Hello! What would be your order?” he exclaimed overenthusiastically at the pair in front of him, barely registering their faces. 

He heard them reply and immediately got to work, writing their instructions accordingly on their paper cups before typing everything on the cash register. “Your order will be ready in a moment. We’ll call out your name.”

He didn’t notice the two men thanked him until he heard their footsteps as they walked away. His mind was a mess, so he was trying with all his might to make it focus at least a little bit. He prepared the orders diligently, telling himself he couldn’t fuck up just because of his personal issues. He was a professional, after all. 

“Kim Jongdae! Park Chanyeol!” He exclaimed once the drinks were ready. The taller of the two came over and took the cups. Baekhyun smiled at him and noticed how his cheeks blushed,

“Th-thank you!” exclaimed the giant, his ears turning red too along with his cheeks. 

‘Cute,’ he thought. He hadn’t made anyone blush in a while.

The thought dampened his mood, but he tried his best to hide it. After all, the customer wasn’t at fault for his love issues. 

Baekhyun continued working for the rest of his shift, trying his best to show his best side as customer after customer came by. He noticed how the adorable giant stayed, throwing glances his way that Baekhyun was sure he thought were inconspicuous every chance he got. 

Yes, Baekhyun had a boyfriend, he was  _ very _ conscious of that fact. That didn’t mean he didn’t feel flattered at how  _ someone _ was giving him a little bit of attention. He hadn’t gotten any of that kind in over a year, after all. His boyfriend had never really been the one to look at him like that, at least not since they got together. 

Looking back, there had always been a lot of issues with their relationship.    
Issues Baekhyun had failed to see because he fell in love too fast and too intensely, giving all of himself while receiving nothing in return. In the end, he lost sight of who he was and now felt...lost. The smallest of arguments with Sehun tended to affect him deeply in every aspect. 

Baekhyun knew it was all very unhealthy, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. What would be of him without Sehun? He didn’t know, he couldn’t remember who Baekhyun as an individual was, which made the thought of breaking up all the more scarier. 

Sighing, he bit his bottom lip before he looked up and noticed that the cute giant was gone. 

He found himself feeling disappointed by this before once again reminding himself about Sehun.

‘You have a boyfriend. Respect him,’ he told himself before he went back to his task, greeting customers and preparing different drinks until his coworker arrived to take over his shift.

After getting changed out of his uniform and into his usual clothes, he grabbed his things and left the café, checking his phone as he did so and noticing, much to his disappointment, that there were no texts from Sehun.

Tears filled his eyes because, fuck, he’d always been the one to chase after Sehun after a fight. He’d always been the one to text him, to say sorry, yet Sehun could never be bothered to do the same. It hurt because he wanted to be chased and pampered, he wanted his boyfriend to act like he  _ cared, _ yet he  _ never _ did. 

Taking a deep breath, Baekhyun walked down the street, typing a quick message to Sehun, knowing deep down that he shouldn’t have, but allowing the insecure, hurt part of himself to succumb.

_ I’m sorry. Please forgive me _

Yeah, he had no self-love, but the truth was that without Sehun, Baekhyun was nothing. He had no worth. He couldn’t lose his boyfriend. 

No matter how many cute guys looked at him, only Sehun mattered. In the end, only Sehun would ever want him. It had always been like that and things weren’t about to change either. 

“You’re pathetic,’ he told himself. 

Chuckling under his breath, he agreed with himself because, really, he was so stupid, he couldn’t stop acting like that when it came to Sehun. 

‘I hate myself,’ he thought as he read Sehun’s text asking him to come over. 

Just like that, as he replied that he would be over soon, the toxic cycle started all over again.

++++

Chanyeol wasn’t a stalker, mind you, not at all. He simply liked to watch the object of his affection on occasion while the latter worked...right? 

It wasn’t the giant’s fault that the guy was gorgeous and cute, totally his type. No, no it wasn’t. Besides, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He liked the coffee at that particular café and the warm environment. It was a nice place for him to study and to work on his projects for university. 

Seeing his crush was merely a plus. 

Jongdae claimed he was pathetic for doing this, as did Jongin and Minseok, but Chanyeol ignored them. He knew it was. Especially since Baekhyun had a boyfriend, but Chanyeol ignored it either way. He knew he had no chance either way. 

“You’re going to end up with a broken heart,” Kyungsoo, Jongin’s boyfriend and Baekhyun’s best friend, would often repeat. “Sehun is all he cares about.”

And yes, Chanyeol could acknowledge this. Especially since he knew Baekhyun didn’t even know his name despite them going to high school together. He’d always been invisible to everyone, especially to Baekhyun. He knew that wouldn’t change and it was okay. He’d long come to terms with this. 

He sighed as he took the last sip of his Americano, typing the last words of his essay as he did so. He sat back after he was done and closed his eyes. He felt relieved. At least he was finally done with the rough draft. 

When he opened his eyes again, he noticed Baekhyun behind the counter. He was sitting on a stool in front of the cash register, typing furiously on his phone with a frown on his face. He was probably having another fight. 

The thought saddened Chanyeol. He always knew of Baekhyun’s feelings for his boyfriend, everyone knew. When they started dating during university, even if it hurt, Chanyeol felt happy for his crush. After all, if he was happy, how could Chanyeol feel sad in any way, right?

The problem was when the fights started. It wasn’t exactly common knowledge, but he’d seen and heard enough to know what was happening. How could he be happy for Baekhyun if he knew the smaller was only suffering? 

There wasn’t anything he could do, though. He’d never spoken to him and he doubted he ever would. As it was, he had no place in Baekhyun’s life besides watching him from a distance creepily and hoping he found his happiness some day. 

Sighing at the thought, Chanyeol turned his attention to his laptop to turn it off. After putting everything away, he stood up and headed over to the counter.

He cleared his throat and tried to look as nonchalant as he could -and clearly failed. “U-Um, hey B-Baekhyun. Could I h-have a red velvet slice of c-cake to go?” And clearly, he failed, scolding himself for not being able to act like a normal human being in front of Baekhyun. 

The smaller smiled at him politely and nodded. “Of course Chanyeol,” he said as he moved, too focused on his task to notice Chanyeol’s internal battle as he tried not to freak out because  _ oh my gosh he knows my name! _

“Here you go,” said Baekhyun as he handed over the bag with the boxed cake inside. 

Chanyeol took it and tried to breathe when Baekhyun threw at him a beatiful, bright, polite smile. “Th-thank you, Baekhyun.”

“You’re welcome,” replied the smaller as he took Chanyeol’s payment. “Have a nice day, Chanyeol,” said Baekhyun as he handed back Chanyeol’s debit card along with an extra cookie. 

“I d-didn’t order this one,” he said as he looked at it. 

Baekhyun winked at him and shrugged. “It’s on me.”

Yes, Chanyeol didn’t recover from that for the next couple of days.

++++

Baekhyun sighed, tired after yet again another fight with Sehun. Lately, that was all they did. They haven’t had a civil conversation in a while. All they did was fight, ignore each other for a couple of days, then Baekhyun would apologize cuz he was an idiot, they would have sex, Baekhyun would feel guilty, cycle would start all over again. 

In all honesty, he was tired of being stuck in that situation. He could admit to himself that he didn’t know if he loved Sehun or if he had simply grown codependent. Both options were equally toxic because he couldn’t find a way to break it off even if he knew he should.

Kyungsoo, the only friend Baekhyun had left after he started dating Sehun and isolated himself from everyone else, told him repeatedly that he could do it. That he could break up with Sehun and that he would survive it. But to Baekhyun it didn’t seem so easy. 

He felt pathetic, but he’d gotten to a point where he _ depended  _ on Sehun. His well-being depended on Sehun and his moods. Whatever Sehun did affected Baekhyun on a deep level and yes, it was very unhealthy, but how was he supposed to let go without hurting himself too much?

He felt so lost and scared. He’d lost his relationship with his parents because of Sehun, he’d lost his friends and if it wasn’t for Kyungsoo’s intervention, he would’ve lost his job too. 

Everyday that passed by seemed more bleak than the previous one. All color now gone as his days were filled with pain, with despair, and with longing for a better future that seemed impossible. 

When he started dating Sehun, he’d dreamt of a beautiful future together, of their love growing as they worked hard to achieve their goals. He’d wanted to marry him, to start a family with him, and to form a beautiful home with children of their own. He'd wished to grow old with him and would often imagine them sitting together, watching their family as they reminisce on the past and on the love they shared for so long. 

He chuckled under his breath as tears filled his eyes, his feet carrying him towards his workplace out of instinct. He felt pathetic. 

He knew exactly what was the right thing to do, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was a coward. He knew this to be true deep in his heart, but he couldn’t help it, not when he felt so lost, so empty, and so alone. 

By the time he arrived at the café. he felt like a mess, though he tried his best to hide it. He thought he’d succeeded, and it really did seem like that, until Chanyeol arrived.

“Hey Baek!” He exclaimed with a bright smile that Baekhyun tried his best to return. The taller’s smile dimmed though, despite Baekhyun’s best efforts. “Are you okay?”

Baekhyun felt his heart constrict at the question. No one, apart from Kyungsoo, ever really asked him how he was with so much real concern in their voice. He ignored it, though, and instead continued to smile. “Yeah, of course I am.”

Chanyeol frowned at that, but didn’t say anything and instead ordered his usual drink. Baekhyun diligently prepared his coffee, and maybe gifted him another cookie despite Chanyeol’s protests, and even made sure to sit with him during his break. 

Baekhyun didn’t even realize when his fake smile turned genuine and soft as he listened to the man speak enthusiastically about a song he produced in his leisure time. Baekhyun knew nothing about music and was completely lost with what Chanyeol was saying, but his enthusiasm warmed his heart. It was nice to see how alive that special spark was inside of him. Perhaps that was why Baekhyun liked spending time with him occasionally, because he gave Baekhyun the slightest of hope that maybe, whenever he became brave enough, he could have at least a small portion of the life that lived so beautifully in Chanyeol.

By the time Chanyeol had to leave by the end of the afternoon, Baekhyun felt slightly more at ease, Sehun forgotten momentarily. 

“Thank you for the cookie!” Exclaimed Chanyeol with a radiant smile on his face. 

“You’re welcome,” said Baekhyun. “See you tomorrow.”

Chanyeol’s smile widened at that, his eyes shining beautifully and taking Baekhyun’s breath away. “See you, Baek. Take care.”

For the rest of the afternoon, as he finished his shift, his heart remained warm. The gentle giant had become very dear to him through the months, though their interactions were brief. Baekhyun would even dare to call him a friend, though he was unsure of whether Chanyeol saw him as one too or not. 

He sighed as he walked out of the café, saying goodbye to his colleague as he did so. Chanyeol was a nice breath of fresh air in the middle of the polluted hole he found himself in due to his own naivety.Deep in his heart, Baekhyun hoped that nothing ever ruined Chanyeol the way he himself had been destroyed. Chanyeol deserved only the best, and he wished that fate didn’t play him dirty the way it did with him.

++++

Baekhyun should’ve seen it coming. Sehun’s detached attitude the weeks prior and the lack of interest had gotten much worse with time. 

What Baekhyun didn’t expect, though, was the way it all happened. From everything that Baekhyun could imagine Sehun doing, he would have never imagined he would cheat on him, and with Sehun’s best friend of all people. Despite the way Sehun was, Junmyeon had always been kind to him, gentle even. 

That afternoon, he’d gone to Sehun’s apartment to apologize after another one of their fights. He’d been hopeful for a reconciliation despite knowing deep in his heart that he was being a fool. As he entered the apartment, though, he could tell something was off. He looked around the white walls he’d become familiar with ever since Sehun started to live there, pictures of him, of his family and his friends placed in perfect symmetry. 

He walked further inside, feeling the dread grow with every step he took down the hallway. His heart started to beat faster the closer he drew to the bedroom and a sense of foreboding filled him when he heard noises from inside. Noises that were strange yet familiar. His mind screamed at him to turn around and leave, to not go any further, but he ignored it. 

He should’ve listened. 

The King sized bed Baekhyun had become acquainted with was squeaking loudly as Sehun’s hips moved with fervor against Junmyeon’s. Loud moans and the distinctive sound of skin slapping skin bounced against the pristine walls of the bedroom. The screaming of names and the pleading for more burned his ears as his eyes remained attached to the scene in front of him. 

His surroundings started to turn foggy as his mind tried to cope with the scene. He registered the way Sehun and Junmyeon looked at him briefly. He noticed the cruel smirk on Sehun’s lips and the pity in Junmyeon’s eyes. Hurtful words escaped Sehun’s lips, his mouth moving in slow motion as he stated how worthless Baekhyun was. 

“You were never a good fuck anyway,” he heard, almost like an echo in the distance. More was said, but he couldn’t make the words out, his mind numbing out before Sehun returned his attention to Junmyeon. 

They continued to have sex like he wasn’t there, like he didn’t matter. They ignored his existence like they ignored the repercussions that their actions would have on Baekhyun. 

They didn’t care, they never did. 

His body moved on its own volition since his mind was stuck in a faraway place. The pictures on the walls became blurry, the faces mocking him the same way Sehun did. They reminded him of his worth and of the love Sehun didn’t have for him. After all, none of the pictures were of him. 

His heart broke. At the end of the day, despite how confused he felt over his feelings, he knew he felt  _ something _ , whether it was healthy or not. It was like everything he’d been feeling, all his fears and insecurities, suddenly exploded because now, what he’d been wishing to avoid had finally hit him. 

It was bound to happen, he came to realize as he stayed standing under the heavy rainfall of that horrible afternoon once he left the apartment building in a daze. Eventually, he would have to face the reality of his situation. Whether he wanted it or not, he would have to see the fragility of his reality crumble as he would be left without what had become his only source of stability: Sehun. 

The pain he was feeling in that moment, coupled with the uncertainty of what was to come, attacked him in waves, taking over his body and soul until he was left completely breathless, his vision blurring not only from the rain and the tears, but from the sudden anxiety that attacked him without a care. 

The uncertainty of his future, of what his reality would be from now on, scared him most of all. He didn’t know who he was anymore. His likes and dislikes, his dreams and ambitions, had all been erased when he fell in love with Sehun and now… he had nothing left. 

Baekhyun stayed standing in the middle of the sidewalk, lost in emotions, unfeeling of the heavy rain falling on him. His gaze stuck to the ground as his lungs tried their best to function properly, though the pressure in his chest made it impossible. 

“Baekhyun?” He faintly heard someone ask through the heavy roaring of the downpour around him and the fog that had taken over his senses. 

Very slowly, Baekhyun looked up only to find Chanyeol staring at him with emotions he couldn’t even begin to decipher and an umbrella in his hand, covering his tall body. The smaller noticed the way Chanyeol’s lips moved, but his mind was unable to register what he was saying. His ears merely caught the sound of his loud voice as he tried his best to be heard over the storm. 

The giant frowned and stepped closer, covering Baekhyun’s body with the umbrella. The smaller noticed that he was shaking and that he was, in fact, soaking from head to toe, but that didn’t bother him at all. He was far too gone and numb to care much.

“Come on, Baek, let’s get you dry before you catch a cold,” murmured Chanyeol. 

The words took a moment to register in his brain, and when they did, Baekhyun simply nodded. 

“Where do you live? I’ll drop you off,” said Chanyeol as he placed his free hand on Baekhyun’s upper back and pushed gently. 

Baekhyun tried to move his lips, but no sound came out. His brain was unable to come up with anything coherent enough to reply. Chanyeol seemed to notice this and smiled sadly. “I’ll just take you to my apartment then. I’ll drop you off after.”

The walk was silent as Baekhyun’s mind continued to be in turmoil, his body barely registering what was happening around him. He felt Chanyeol’s presence though, and that at least was comforting him a little. After all, he’d come to realize that he trusted Chanyeol. 

Baekhyun didn’t know how long it took as time had lost its meaning, but he at least managed to realize when they’d entered an unfamiliar building. He looked around, his mind foggy, but still analyzing the place as they went up the stairs to the second floor. 

Much like what Baekhyun noticed from the rest of the building, Chanyeol’s apartment was nice and cozy, though the space had something else so inherently...Chanyeol, that he instantly felt warm and safe. 

The giant spoke to him again, but Baekhyun was too caught up on his head and was unable to understand what he was saying. Chanyeol though didn’t let that deter him and instead steered him down the hallway, Baekhyun allowing himself to be led. 

In Chanyeol’s bedroom, Baekhyun saw him pull out a fluffy towel and some clean clothes. “You need to undress,” he heard Chanyeol say and it took him a moment to understand. Under other circumstances, he would’ve been too shy, but seeing as how his emotions weren’t exactly coherent at the moment, he simply nodded and very slowly proceeded to take his shirt off. He noticed the blush on Chanyeol’s cheeks as he turned around and asked him to tell him when he was done. 

Baekhyun did so slowly, taking the towel and drying himself, sort of, his body taking control as his mind continued to stay stuck. By the time he was done, he felt slightly more connected with himself, though barely.

“I’m done,” he croaked, his lips moving for the first time that afternoon.

Chanyeol turned around then and smiled as he took the towel and dried Baekhyun’s hair better than Baekhyun did himself and the smaller felt himself grow warm. 

Then, the giant took a thick blanket before he grabbed Baekhyun’s hand and pulled him out of the bedroom and towards the living room. He motioned for Baekhyun to sit and then wrapped the thick blanket around his shoulders. Faintly, Baekhyun heard Chanyeol moving around the kitchen.

As he stayed there staring at the pictures of Chanyeol with who Baekhyun guessed were his family and friends, his mind slowly started to connect more with himself. It was a slow process, of course, but it was happening and as it did so, the turmoil in his mind became more  _ real _ , more  _ tangible _ , and much more painful. 

Before he realized it, he was a sobbing mess, his body shaking, but this time from the pain that was travelling through his body, burning every cell like a searing fire, damaging every inch of his insides to the core. Breathing became impossible as the tears fell, his body finally reacting to everything that was happening, his body finally catching up to the mess that was in his mind.

“Baekhyun?” He heard Chanyeol and noticed him kneeling in front of him through his tears, the giant’s features full of concern. “What happened?”

Baekhyun felt ashamed, yes, but in that moment, with Chanyeol in front of him, he found himself spilling everything. He told every detail about what happened with Sehun from the start. And while he knew he would probably regret speaking about it to someone so gentle and kind, at the time, he needed it. 

Chanyeol didn’t seem to mind, at least not in that instant, and instead sat next to him on the couch and wrapped him in his warm embrace, listening to everything Baekhyun said patiently, giving the smaller time to catch his breath whenever he needed it in between his heavy sobbing. 

By the time he was done speaking, now too exhausted to continue, he felt much more liberated. The pain continued to be there, of course, but at least his mind wasn’t the mess it had been before. And while he continued to hurt deeply, his thoughts were clear enough to allow him to think better, to discern the situation in a much more calm and collected manner. 

Chanyeol never said anything either, instead only standing up briefly to grab the tea infusion of linden, chamomile, and mint he’d prepared to give Baekhyun before embracing him gently once again, offering his warmth as comfort. 

It all helped, thankfully, and before Baekhyun knew it, he’d fallen asleep in the arms of his friend. Still, the myriad of poisonous emotions that had invaded his mind lingered. 

++++

Baekhyun felt lost and empty as he stared at the wall in front of him. A week had passed since Sehun broke up with him and he hadn’t been able to get himself together. The pain he felt was too intense as he remembered everything that happened, everything they went through, and everything Sehun made him feel, good or bad.

He was pathetic.

Chanyeol, who was extremely worried for him, had asked him to stay. Baekhyun was grateful of course, but he also felt guilty. The giant shouldn’t have to deal with his shit. He was just a nuisance. 

Still, he stayed and accepted the offer, knowing deep in his heart that he was being selfish with him, but needing the comfort of someone who cared for him. 

In the end, what he thought would be a couple of days turned into a week and there he was, like a parasite, taking up Chanyeol’s living room couch, eating the food the taller prepared even though he had no appetite. He didn’t want to seem ungrateful and make his friend feel bad. 

He hadn’t been sleeping well, despite Chanyeol having bought him special sleeping tea concoctions and lavender pills that his sister recommended. “Yoora said they’re great for when you feel anxious!”

None worked. While he fell asleep, his sleep was never good, he never felt rested. If anything, his dreams were filled with memories and words of hate, of self-loathing. The nightmares were intense and when he woke up, he would feel more tired than when he went to sleep. 

Showering was another task. He didn’t have the energy for that either, but Chanyeol would get worried and Baekhyun didn’t like that, so he forced himself to go, though he would only stand under the water crying until his skin turned wrinkly.

Truly pathetic. 

“I’m so worried for him,” he heard Chanyeol murmur from the kitchen, probably thinking Baekhyun was still asleep. “I don’t know what to do.”

There was a brief pause and Baekhyun figured whoever Chanyeol was talking to had taken the word. Chanyeol hummed and sighed. “I know that, but...I can’t leave him alone.” Another silence before Chanyeol groaned. “My feelings have nothing to do with this. He’s my friend above anything else.”

Baekhyun felt his heart constrict at that because of course he knew what Chanyeol was talking about. He may be pathetic, but he wasn’t an idiot. He could perfectly tell that Chanyeol had feelings for him. Perhaps the fact that Baekhyun was at Chanyeol’s apartment, mending a broken heart of his own, only made him feel guiltier. How much was he hurting Chanyeol?

“Yeah I-I’ll do that. Thank you, bye,” Chanyeol said before he hung up and sighed for the millionth time that day. 

Baekhyun heard Chanyeol moving around, the clank of dishes loud and clear and something sizzling on the stove. The smell of condiments and onion filled the air, but not even the delicious smell could make Baekhyun’s appetite wake up. 

Chanyeol started to hum under his breath and cursed when he dropped something on the floor, making a lot of sound. Baekhyun found this endearing and wondered to himself what it must be like to be so full of life and self-love like Chanyeol. If he had to be honest, he would say he admired him greatly as Baekhyun could tell Chanyeol had a strong heart, a deep resolve, and depended on no one but himself for his happiness.

Baekhyun, on the other hand...had given himself away completely to someone else. He learned to depend on Sehun, to make him his happiness, his well-being, his self-esteem, and his reason to live. Now that Sehun was gone, he realized that he had nothing left. 

The thought terrified him. If the reason he kept going left, then why did he keep existing? 

He wasn’t suicidal, he didn’t feel the desire to end his life, but the thought of fading into nothingness sounded appealing. 

He shook his head at that. No, he couldn’t think like that. Despite everything that happened, he knew that thinking like that wasn’t the answer. He just...he needed a little push, a  _ sign _ to keep going, to keep holding on. 

He stared at the wall ahead, but this time in deep thought, trying to connect with his thoughts for once, to try to make sense of them, of what he was thinking, of what he was  _ feeling _ . 

Despite having loved Sehun very much at one point, he was conscious of the fact that, in the end, that so-called love was toxic, addictive, and harmful. Instead of being a beautiful, fulfilling relationship where he could share and grow with Sehun, where they could learn from the other, where they could both thrive and support each other, it had resulted in Baekhyun giving his all and losing himself while Sehun gave nothing. 

He sighed at the thought. He’d known for a while that he should’ve left him. He’d known there was no point in staying, yet...he was too scared to let go, too scared to discover what he eventually did anyway: he had nothing and he was nothing without Sehun. 

Now that Sehun himself kicked him to the curb, he was forced to face the reality that he’d wanted to avoid for so long. 

A knock on the door brought him out of his reverie. He heard Chanyeol rush over and trip on air before he reached it. He tried to suppress his laugh and closed his eyes. 

“Hey Chanyeol,” he heard Kyungsoo say and instantly snapped his eyes open. “Hey Baekhyun,” said his best friend as he stepped inside the apartment. 

Chanyeol widened his eyes and turned to look at Baekhyun. “You’re awake?”

Baekhyun smiled at the terrified look in his face. “I woke up a moment ago,” he lied, knowing perfectly well that he must’ve been panicking over Baekhyun having possibly heard his earlier conversation.

His shoulder relaxed at that and Chanyeol nodded, seeming to accept his words before he motioned for Kyungsoo to step inside. “Get yourself comfortable, I’ll serve lunch in a minute.”

Kyungsoo thanked him before he headed over to the couch and pushed Baekhyun’s feet away. The latter pouted at him, but still gave him space, sitting up as he did so.

“You look like shit,” said Kyungsoo as he studied Baekhyun’s features.

“Thank you,” replied Baekhyun, not feeling offended because his friend hadn’t ever been one to lie anyway. 

“Chanyeol told me you’ve been lying on this couch all week. That no matter how much he insists, you refuse to take the bed.”

“I’m already intruding enough,” he replied as he stared down at his fingers. “He’s already doing too much for me. The least I can do is let him sleep in his own bed.”

Kyungsoo hummed. “I know, I just wanted to point it out,” he replied as he bit his bottom lip.

“But that’s not what you have in mind.”

His best friend nodded. “You know me too well,” replied Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun shrugged. “I’ve known you my whole life.”

Kyungsoo shrugged in acknowledgment. “Then I won’t beat around the bush,” he said before he caught Baekhyun’s gaze with his own. “What are you planning to do with yourself now?”

It was a weird question, specifically the wording, but Baekhyun knew exactly what he meant like he knew that lying would bring him no good. “”I-I don’t know.”

“You  _ do _ know you can’t keep going like this, right?”

Baekhyun felt his eyes prickle with tears. “I do.”

“I’m not trying to scold you or make you feel bad. I know it isn’t easy and I’m not forcing you to do more than you’re able to, but as your friend I’m worried about you and I want your happiness above everything else,” said Kyungsoo as he scooted closer and took Baekhyun’s hands in his own. “And that dork in the kitchen does too. We’re your friends, Baek, and we want you to be okay. Not for us, but for  _ you _ .” He reached over and wiped a stray tear that escaped Baekhyun’s eye. “We can’t do this for you, we can’t force you to do anything, and we can’t cure you, but,” he booped Baekhyun’s nose at that, earning a small giggle from him. “We can support you, cheer you on, and remind you that you can do it, but only if  _ you _ want to do it yourself.”

Baekhyun knew this was true and goodness, he wanted to do something. He wanted to be strong, he wanted to be able to move, to learn to love himself again, to find the value that Kyungsoo and Chanyeol saw in him, but he simply...couldn’t. He heard Kyungsoo’s words and he wished to be able to fulfill it, to make him proud, but how? How was he supposed to do it?

He kept pondering over that for the rest of the afternoon. He enjoyed the food Chanyeol prepared, even if he wasn’t hungry. He allowed himself to look at the bigger picture, to appreciate these two people that  _ cared _ for him. These two people that wanted him to be happy and complete once again without wanting anything in return. 

He felt lost. He was unsure of what to do and how to proceed and reach out for a better life and a better future A future where he belonged to no one but himself and where his biggest and most important source of love was himself. He couldn’t see it though, and kept himself distracted as the hours passed, trying to figure it out, getting a migraine in the process.

“Tea?” Asked Chanyeol as he offered him a cup later that night.

Baekhyun smiled and accepted it. Chanyeol took a seat next to him and stared at the TV. “Oh, you’re watching How I Met Your Mother!”

The smaller shrugged. “It was in your recently watched list. Hope you don’t mind.”

The taller chuckled. “Not at all, Baekhyunee. I told you, you can use my TV as you please.”

The smaller nodded at that before he took a sip of his tea. Linden with mint, a concoction made to help him relax. “Thank you for the tea.”

“You’re welcome,” replied Chanyeol before he engrossed himself completely with the show. 

Baekhyun, on the other hand, stared at him. He studied his features, his almond-shaped eyes, the curve of his nose, the shape of his lips. He was truly handsome, a sight to behold… and full of life. He was amazing, he was kind, gentle, friendly, and he had the warmest heart Baekhyun had ever seen. He shone bright, the beauty of his soul trespassing his interior to brighten up everything around him. 

If only he could be like that, if only he knew how to be like Chanyeol, how to hold himself with confidence, how to be happy, and complete, how to be himself without depending on anyone or anything to determine that for him. If only...he wasn’t so pathetic. 

He looked away when he remembered the text he sent Sehun that morning, begging for another chance, only to get  _ mocked _ with the reminder that he was nothing, that he wasn’t good enough. And the texts he sent the day before, or the days before that. 

His heart ached at the thought. He was so dumb. He knew he shouldn’t seek out Sehun anymore. He knew Sehun was no good for him, and that he should take this opportunity to move on, to find himself, but he couldn’t let go of Sehun. His body and his mind craved him like he was a drug. He  _ needed  _ him to function, to be  _ someone.  _

Kyungsoo’s words slipped into his mind again. He knew his best friend was right. He knew his way of acting and thinking wouldn’t take him anywhere. He knew he should do as Kyungsoo said, or he should at least try.

He turned to Chanyeol once again and lost himself in the mirth he could see in his eyes, in the honest joy in his smile, and in the truthful sound of his laugh as his eyes remained glued to the TV. 

He...wanted that. Yes, he wanted to feel that too, to be his own person, to be okay and truly happy for once. He wanted to move on from what happened, to keep it in the past as a lesson. He wanted to enjoy life the way Chanyeol did and laugh honestly after so long. 

“Would you help me?” He asked out loud.

Confused, Chanyeol turned to look at him. “What?”

“Would you help me find a way to get better?” 

Chanyeol studied Baekhyun’s features closely and the latter noticed how, slowly, hope and wonder filled his eyes. “Yes of course!” He replied with a smile on his lips, a smile so beautiful Baekhyun had to look away as it made his heart beat too fast. “My cousin is a psychologist. I can ask her for some advice,” he said as he pulled his phone out and started to type.

Baekhyun smiled at him as tears filled his eyes, but tears of gratitude this time. “Thank you,” he murmured.

Chanyeol returned his smile before he read whatever his cousin replied. Baekhyun continued to watch him, touched as Chanyeol told him all about what his cousin told him, of all the options they could look into, of the programs, and the number of a therapist that could help him. 

Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile genuinely as Chanyeol grabbed a notebook and sat with him as they both came up with a plan. They searched on the internet and stayed up until three in the morning, investigating the stages of change, and the many modifications Baekhyun could do in his life. 

“It’s going to be a tough journey, but don’t worry, Kyungsoo and I are here for you,” said Chanyeol as he sat back after writing the last words of their plan in the notebook. “No matter what, we have your back.”

The smaller felt touched by this, felt his body warm up at Chanyeol’s words and the comfort they offered. “Thank you,” he murmured before he scooted closer and lay his head on the taller’s shoulder, wrapping arms around his torso in an awkward hug. Chanyeol returned the gesture. “There’s nothing to thank. It’s what friends do, we support each other and we’re there through thick and thin.”

Baekhyun felt a sting in his heart at his words because he knew Chanyeol meant the words despite having deeper feelings for him. He appreciated it, though, he truly appreciated the fact that Chanyeol wasn’t forcing himself on him or anything of the sort. Instead, he was understanding and kind, he was a friend that didn’t expect anything in return.

‘You’re amazing,’ Baekhyun thought as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to be engulfed in the warmth that was purely Chanyeol. ‘I wish I could return your feelings.’

Before he knew it, he fell asleep, the same train of thought stuck in his mind, unaware of the future that fate had prepared for him. 

++++

Therapy was never an easy step to take. Despite knowing it would help him, the thought of someone scrutinizing his feelings made him nervous. It was necessary, though. If he wanted to pull himself together, he needed the help of a professional who could guide him through the process. 

The first session was awkward. The clean beige walls of the office were suffocating him as the therapist asked him questions and listened intently to what he replied. The woman dug deep into his mind, analyzed his every action, and said things that while true, Baekhyun didn’t like to hear. 

“This journey won’t be easy Baekhyun, but as long as you make an effort, you can do it,” she said at the end with a kind smile. 

As he walked out of her office, he felt himself relax. While it hadn’t been pleasant, he felt like a small weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Regardless of how uncomfortable he’d felt, speaking to the therapist had helped. He had a lot to think about. 

He sighed as he walked down the hallway, his thoughts a jumbled mess. At the waiting area, he stopped for a moment as he studied Chanyeol’s profile. He was so handsome it was unreal. He gave himself some time to admire him, to drink in the softness of his smile and the brightness of his eye. He was truly beautiful, a work of art. He didn’t notice the soft smile that spread across his lips as his eyes remained stuck to the giant, or the fondness in his eyes, or the way the secretary was looking at him with amusement. 

His heart fluttered as he continued to drink Chanyeol’s beautiful features. He bit his bottom lip as he continued to watch him closely, trying to remind himself what he did to deserve him. Chanyeol turned his gaze to him and his features brightened with emotions Baekhyun was too scared to figure out. 

“Hey, we can go now,” said the smaller as he approached Chanyeol.

The giant stood up and nodded. Together, they left the place, walking down the hallways of the building in a comfortable silence as both remained stuck in their own minds. It was okay, they didn’t need to say anything either. They’d grown comfortable enough to be able to remain in silence. 

Once inside Chanyeol’s car, the giant kept the volume of the radio low as he hummed along to the melodies. On the other hand, Baekhyun kept his gaze stuck to the scenery outside the window, lost in thought. He bit his bottom lip as he remembered everything discussed with his therapist. 

People usually believe that they could never fall into a toxic, abusive relationship. Everyone pointed fingers, criticized and filled their mouths with words like “I’m smarter than that. It could never happen to me.” He used to think the same before he started to date Sehun and even after, before Sehun changed. Yet he ended in a relationship like that without even realizing. 

He felt dumb for not having noticed the signs and for dismissing them when he did. He’d been too naive and had stupidly thought the change in Sehun’s behavior was normal in a relationship. He hadn’t understood that the offensive names, the control over his appearance, the fights, and the lack of proper communication weren’t what was to be expected in a healthy relationship. 

“Do you think I’m dumb?” He asked out loud. 

Chanyeol stopped humming and remained silent for a moment before replying. “Why would I think that?”

Baekhyun sighed, but kept his gaze stuck outside the window. “For ending up with a guy like Sehun. For not noticing the kind of person he was until it was too late. For allowing him to isolate me from everyone and for him almost succeeding at me having a fallout with Kyungsoo too.”

Chanyeol didn’t reply as he parked his car in front Baekhyun’s apartment building. He exhaled loudly before turning his attention to Baekhyun who was already looking at him. He smiled softly and shook his head. “Baek, I don’t think you’re dumb. I think you’re simply….human, and as a human, you fell in love with someone who didn’t end up being who you thought they were. And that’s okay.”

“But look at me now. I have to go to  _ therapy _ to get over him. I allowed him to do so many bad things to me and-” Baekhyun choked on his words, but forced himself to keep going. “I kept crawling back to him. I keep  _ wanting _ to go back to him, to return to his side. My body  _ craves _ him, like a drug, and I  _ hate _ it.”

The giant reached over and wiped his tears away. He planted a soft kiss on his forehead and cupped his cheeks with his hands. “And I repeat, that doesn’t make you dumb. This could happen to anyone, even to me. You trusted someone you thought was a good person. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

More tears fell down Baekhyun’s cheeks and sobs started to escape his lips. Immediately, Chanyeol pulled him into his arms, the car console keeping them in an uncomfortable position. Baekhyun didn’t care since Chanyeol’s warmth was enough to comfort him. 

After that afternoon Baekhyun kept working on himself. He started to work out and to eat better to get back in shape and to feel more comfortable in his own skin. The idea was to rebuild his lost self-esteem little by little and his routine was slowly starting to succeed. 

Chanyeol overlooked his work out sessions and always made sure to keep him company during them. He always encouraged him when the exercises became too much and he remained by his side to help him whenever it was necessary. 

Baekhyun truly appreciated it. He didn’t know what he did to deserve to have someone like Chanyeol in his life, but he didn’t question it either. The giant had become someone very special to him in the months since their friendship started and he knew he wouldn’t be able to continue working on himself if it wasn’t for his support. 

“You’re a great friend,” he told him one afternoon while they took a break from their run at the park. 

Chanyeol grinned at that. “I try to be so I’m glad it’s working.”

Baekhyun didn’t see any remnants of any sort of bitter, sad feelings in his eyes. If anything, he looked pleased and genuinely happy with the smaller’s words. Still, Baekhyun felt guilty. He couldn’t help it when he knew how Chanyeol felt about him even if he didn’t say anything.

‘If things were different,’ he thought. ‘I would love you back the way you deserve.’

Chanyeol never asked him to. If anything, he kept his feelings well hidden from Baekhyun and kept the barrier between friendship and something more set and strong. He never pushed, he never said anything. He remained by his side like a loyal friend who never asked for anything in return. 

‘Maybe someday,’ he told himself as he watched Chanyeol’s silhouette against the orange hues of the setting sun, his heart fluttering with hope for a future where he would be healed and ready to receive the love offered to him. 

++++

Therapy got better with time. It wasn’t easy, but he opened up to the therapist more and more with each session until he felt like he could speak to her about anything. They still touched heavy subjects, points that Baekhyun hadn’t wanted to face, but her guidance helped him deal with them in a healthy way. 

Accepting that he’d made mistakes took time and learning to forgive himself did too. He took it one day at a time. He learned to discuss his feelings and his thoughts with himself. He sought ways to sit in silence and allow himself to  _ feel _ . He started to build a solid base for a relationship with himself, one that would help him cope better with his emotions in the future. 

He was becoming stronger, both physically and mentally. Yes, he allowed himself to cry and didn’t feel ashamed of it. Contrary to what Sehun told him many times, crying was a healthy coping mechanism. Thus, Baekhyun learned to cry whenever he needed it. He managed to ignore the voice in his mind that reminded him of Sehun’s cruel words. 

‘Crying is for pathetic losers,’ he’d often say whenever Baekhyun started crying after they had a fight. And Baekhyun believed him each time. But not anymore. 

As time went by, he found himself going to his therapy sessions by himself without needing the company of Chanyeol. Not that he wasn’t thankful whenever the taller gave him a ride, but Baekhyun was conscious that Chanyeol had things to do and couldn’t always postpone them because of him. Thankfully, therapy wasn’t scary anymore.

He felt proud of his progress. He’d gone a long way in the months since the break up. He’d become a better version of himself. He got better grades, he had an ideal and healthy weight, and all in all, he was happy with himself. Yes, sometimes the temptation of texting Sehun remained, but talking himself out of it became easier with each day that passed. Blocking him had been the hardest step, he’d eventually managed to do it. 

It was a slow process, but it was worth it. Everyday that passed with him feeling better about himself was like a reward for all the hard work. He was walking down the path of recovery and he hoped one day to reach a point where he was healed. 

++++

As Baekhyun went through the stages of change, unsurprisingly, he fell prey to a stage that others went under as well...Relapse.

He’d been doing amazing. He had kept himself strong and healthy. He had changed his life in a matter of months and was working towards maintaining his progress before he reached his recovery. But humans aren’t perfect and temptation could present itself when one least expected it. 

It started when he heard two classmates talking about how Sehun and Junmyeon had a fallout. They’d started dating around the time Baekhyun found them together. Baekhyun hadn’t heard much after that, choosing to focus on himself for once. So it surprised him to hear that they had broken up. Especially since the pair had always been inseparable.

He brushed it off, or at least tried to. But his mind was traitorous and played him dirty. He kept thinking about the matter, often finding himself lost in thought at the  _ possibilities _ . His body would often tingle at the memories that started to resurface and the need to unblock his number became almost unbearable.

He felt ashamed of himself, pathetic. He couldn’t discuss the matter with Chanyeol or Kyungsoo because of how embarrassed he felt. He couldn’t even mention it to his therapist. He felt horrible, especially as the days went by and the feelings intensified. 

It didn’t help that Sehun started to pop up in his life too. They went to the same university, but Baekhyun had managed to ignore his presence with great difficulty. Yet now it was too obvious. Whenever Sehun was around, Baekhyun’s body would fill with need. He would start to remember how it felt to be with him, how much he depended on him. And yes, the bad memories were present, but his craving mind ignored them. 

Like in the beginning, his mind started to fill with images of Sehun. Sleeping became difficult, as did focusing on his tasks. Slowly, he found himself falling in the same pattern from before, the one he’d managed to leave behind after months of hard work. 

Stupidly, he unblocked Sehun’s number. He didn’t tell anyone when he started texting him again. “To catch up,” he told Sehun. They both knew Baekhyun was lying. Like a fool, he found himself falling into Sehun’s clutches again. It was too easy, really. 

And yes, he knew deep down that he should stop, but he was physically unable to do so. The more he spoke to Sehun, the better his body felt. The more Sehun used the words he used to before the more his mind craved for him. With this came the change of his attitude with his friends. He found himself ignoring Chanyeol’s and Kyungsoo’s texts and whenever he went out with them, he barely acknowledged them. 

He spent hours on the phone with Sehun, texting back and forth the way they had in the past. He ignored his friends’ inquiries and whenever he  _ did  _ give them an answer, it was to deny anything was wrong. He told himself it was because what he did was none of their business, though the truth was that he knew he was doing something wrong. 

Sehun was manipulative, thus falling into his clutches was easy. It didn’t take long for the guy to invite Baekhyun over to his apartment. A voice in his mind screamed at him, begged him not to do it, but his body was hungry. His body needed to go back to the man, to feel his touch, to be in his presence again. And yes, he  _ knew _ it was toxic, but denying himself had become physically painful. 

The apartment was still the same, the pictures of family and friends hanging from the walls in perfect symmetry. The furniture hadn’t been moved either and the bedroom looked just as he remembered. But his focus was on Sehun. On the way his hands felt as they undressed him. On the way his lips felt on his skin and how his fingers brushed over his body. His mind sang at the sensation though a part of him told him it was wrong. He wanted to stay and he wanted to leave and, in the end, the former won. 

It was consensual. Sehun didn’t force him and Baekhyun didn’t deny him. Even if he knew it was wrong, his mind was begging for it. His body  _ needed  _ Sehun like he was Baekhyun's special type of drug. Baekhyun was addicted to the man, to the way he treated him, to the way he made him feel. Yes, he was cruel with him, abusive, but his body had grown accustomed to it. His body had grown to  _ crave _ the mistreatment.

There was no love in Sehun's touch, no warmth, no care. He took Baekhyun hard, his hips thrusting with fervor as he entered him over and over from behind. Baekhyun's face was buried in a pillow as he screamed at the feeling. His body felt pleasure by the simple fact that Sehun was the one fucking him. His mind felt rewarded by having managed to get to that point with Sehun once again. Regardless of the pain and of the lack of love, it still felt good. This was what Baekhyun was used to, being used like Sehun’s personal fuckhole. 

Knowing Sehun's grunts of pleasure, that the speeding of his movements as he sought his release was all because of him. After everything that happened, after all the time that had passed, Baekhyun was able to serve his purpose. After all the craving, after all the suffering from being far from Sehun, Baekhyun finally had the pleasure of feeling Sehun’s warm seed inside him, just like before. 

The thought made him moan. No, he didn’t feel close to his orgasm. Sehun never cared much about Baekhyun’s pleasure during sex. Yet the thought of Sehun feeling good while using him made him feel useful. 

Everything went silent after Sehun came down from his high, all action ceasing. Baekhyun didn’t say anything, staying in the same position, his ass still in the air as Sehun got off the bed. 

"Still the same pathetic whore," sneered Sehun. "I can't believe you were that desperate for my cock."

Baekhyun felt reality slowly start to sink in as the feeling of disappointment spread across his body. 

"Jun is coming in a moment. Leave already," snapped Sehun as he grabbed Baekhyun's wrist and dragged him off the bed. 

Baekhyun fell to the ground and winced at the shot of pain that travelled from his ass to his back. He hadn’t expected that reaction from Sehun, but he shouldn’t have been surprised either. It wasn’t the first time the man became physical when feeling annoyed with him. 

“You’re so fucking slow,” he growled before he pushed Baekhyun with his foot harshly, making him fall on his side. “You disgust me.”

The man didn’t say anything else as he left the bedroom. Baekhyun remained still for a moment as the tears in his eyes started to trail down his cheeks. He managed to get off the floor with great difficulty. He grabbed his clothes and put them on as fast as he could despite the pain in his body. 

The pictures on the wall mocked him for his stupidity as he rushed by them. He was unsure of how he managed to go down the stairs of the apartment building without falling, but it didn’t matter either. Not when he was desperate to get away from his mistakes. 

A heavy downfall welcomed him once he stepped onto the sidewalk outside the building. It was suffocating, worsening the constriction of his throat as he tried to catch his breath. He gasped for air as sobs escaped his chapped lips. His limbs trembled with force as the consequences of his actions started to hit him with force. 

All his efforts had been wasted due to...what? To be treated like trash? To be used? To be reminded of his worth? Or lack thereof? How stupid of him to have fallen back into Sehun’s game so easily. He was a pathetic fool. A disgusting idiot who couldn’t even stay away from the man that had abused him for two years. 

He walked down the sidewalk aimlessly, no destination in mind, as the world turned dark around him. He felt like he was stuck in a nightmare. The feeling of Sehun’s touch still in his skin, his seed staining his underwear, reminding him of what he had done.

The sudden need to throw up attacked him. He hurried over to an alleyway and leaned against the wall as he relieved his stomach on the dirty concrete. He heaved and cried harder as the memories of what he had just done attacked him in quick succession. The feeling of disgust intensified as the images burned him.

He barely managed to leave the alleyway and continue on his way. He didn’t know where to go and at that particular moment, he didn’t care either. He was too lost in his own mind to give much thought to that. He was consumed by his emotions, the disappointment travelling to every part of his body like thin tendrils that moved through his blood vessels until every cell was filled with it. 

His mind was a mess. Images from the two years of relationship flashed through his mind as a reminder of how idiotic he’d been for reaching out to Sehun again. His brain tortured him, repeating over and over every horrible thing Sehun had done to him in the past. He was reminded of the offensive phrases, of the hits, of the scars, and of the painful sex. He remembered the begging, the sleepless nights and the numerous times he’d found himself crying after a nasty fight with Sehun. 

The burning pain in his heart consumed him without mercy, the sensation spreading through his entire body like molten lava. He found himself falling to the ground and scraping his hands and cheek in the process. He stayed in the same position for a moment, all energy leaving his body as he was consumed by an overwhelming wave of emotions. 

He sobbed uncontrollably as the rain continued to fall over his weak body. He tried to scream, but the sound came out more like a breathless gasp. He felt hopeless, lonely, as he realized he would have to face Kyungsoo and Chanyeol after this. But how could he? How would he be able to after he’d thrown all his efforts down the drain? They would be disgusted once he told them about what he’d done. They’d be disappointed. 

The thought was painful. After how much he’d managed to advance, after all his hard work to recover, he’d given in and fallen prey to the nightmare he’d been running away from. 

He was so stupid. So pathetic. So worthless. 

‘Get up, you pathetic fool,’ the voice in his head insisted.

He struggled to stand up,, oblivious of the blood on his hands. Once again, he gave his limbs the liberty to take him wherever they wanted as he continued to cry, caught up in his own thoughts. The world around him became bleak until he was unable to recognize his surroundings. He didn’t notice when he entered a familiar building. Or when his legs went up a set of stairs. Or when he stood in front of a white door and knocked. 

“Baekhyun? What happened?” He heard Chanyeol say and in that moment, he realized what had happened. 

With the tears on his cheeks disguised under the drops of rainwater that drenched his skin, he met Chanyeol’s concerned gaze with his own and cried. “I fucked up.”

Chanyeol didn’t wait for him to say anything else. He pulled him inside his apartment and wrapped his arms around him, uncaring of his messy, wet state. “It’s okay, Baek. It’s part of the process. It’s okay.”

Baekhyun apologized into the taller’s shirt as the turmoil of emotions inside of him exploded. He sobbed and begged for forgiveness. He trembled hard against Chanyeol’s warm form and repeated how stupid he’d been. He screamed, the sound finally coming out with force, and he reminded Chanyeol of how unworthy of him Baekhyun was. 

And through it all, Chanyeol held him tightly, keeping the broken pieces of his heart mended together. He never let go; he never shut him up. He simply listened and remained by Baekhyun’s side until all energy left the latter’s body and he fainted in his arms. 

++++

The following day, Baekhyun woke up to one of the worst headaches he’d ever had. He felt his body burning and heavy. He tried to move, but his limbs ached. Whining under his breath, he opened his eyes slowly, expecting the light from his open curtains to hit him, but that didn’t happen. 

Frowning, he studied his surroundings and realized he wasn’t in his bedroom. Confused, he closed his eyes for a moment as his head throbbed relentlessly. He was in Chanyeol’s bedroom, he could recognize the blue curtains and the gray walls. How had he gotten there?

He closed his eyes as he tried to remember, and when he finally recalled what happened, his headache intensified. Everything that happened the previous day came rushing back and shame filled his body. Tears filled his eyes as he remembered everything, from Sehun’s words to the moment he fell in Chanyeol’s arms. 

He suddenly felt nauseous as he recalled Sehun’s touch. He could still feel his hands gripping his hips with force, his hands slapping him, and his presence inside of his body. He took a deep breath as he tried to control the feeling, tears streaming down his cheeks from the embarrassment that he suddenly felt.

And he’d gone to Chanyeol right after. Judging from the dry clothes he was using, he could tell Chanyeol had changed his clothes. The thought made the nausea intensify. He must’ve  _ seen _ the remnants of his mistake. 

A loud sob escaped his lips at the thought. When would he stop hurting Chanyeol? Why was he so selfish? Chanyeol deserved better. Baekhyun shouldn’t have sought him out after what he did. He should’ve gone to his own apartment to rot in his own misery and then, he should’ve pushed Chanyeol away to save him from any more pain. 

Baekhyun was so selfish, so cold. How could he? How dare he continue using Chanyeol like that when he knew how the taller one felt about him? How was he able to live with himself after hurting the giant over and over? Chanyeol deserved to be happy with someone that could give him what he wanted. Not someone grotesque and used like Baekhyun. 

“Baek?” He heard Chanyeol ask from the doorway. 

Baekhyun tried to brush away his tears, but he knew it was futile. Chanyeol would know he was crying as soon as he saw his eyes. “Hey, Yeol.”

Chanyeol approached the bed tentatively and took a seat next to Baekhyun. “How are you feeling?” He asked. Baekhyun could tell from the look in Chanyeol’s eyes that the question was more out of courtesy because it was obvious that he wasn’t doing well.

“I’ve been better,” Baekhyun replied. 

The taller smiled sadly and reached a hand over to check his temperature. “You’re still feverish.”

Baekhyun bit his bottom lip as he tried to suppress his tears. Even after what he did Chanyeol was still looking after him. “I don’t deserve you,” he mumbled. 

Chanyeol chuckled. “What are you talking about?”

Baekhyun tried his best to stop his tears from falling, but the fond look Chanyeol was giving him made it impossible. He tried his best to answer his question through his tears and through the hiccups. For once, he was honest. He opened up about what he did, about his mistakes, about his messy feelings and about how he knew of Chanyeol’s feelings for him. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’m horrible. You deserve to love someone who’s worthy, someone who can return your feelings.”

He saw Chanyeol lie down facing him. Confused, Baekhyun stared at him with tears still streaming down his cheeks. Chanyeol smiled as he reached over to wipe Baekhyun’s tears away. “Do you remember the stages of change?” Baekhyun frowned and nodded. “Tell them to me.”

“Precontemplation, contemplation, determination, action, maintenance and-” he stuttered at the last one, slowly understanding what Chanyeol was doing. “Relapse or termination.”

“Exactly. You relapsed, Baek. That’s part of the process,” said Chanyeol. “It’s perfectly normal for this to happen. And it might not even be the only time it will, though you can work on trying to avoid it.” Baekhyun’s tears started to fall harder at Chanyeol’s words because he really didn’t deserve him. “You’re not weak or pathetic or disgusting or any of the things you said. You’re wonderful. You’re strong, smart and funny and so brave it’s insane. Deciding to change is never easy and walking away after you relapsed even more so.”

Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun’s cheeks gently and ran soothing circles on them with his thumbs. “Yeah, you’re going to have to start from zero once again, but you already went through the stages once and succeeded at each one of them. What do you think that means?”

Baekhyun took a deep breath to try to compose himself. “That I can do it again?”

“Exactly! You can do it again,” said Chanyeol enthusiastically. A bright smile spread across his features, making Baekhyun’s heart flutter at the sight. “You already proved you’re strong enough to change. It doesn’t matter if you fell back to the place you were before because you already got out of there once.” Chanyeol squished Baekhyun’s cheeks tenderly, making the smaller giggle through his tears. “You may have lost a battle, but you will win the war, Baekhyun. I’m sure of it.”

Baekhyun nodded. “Th-thank you,” he said. 

“As for my feelings for you,” Chanyeol said with a frown. “You shouldn’t have to worry about that. You didn’t ask me to feel like this about you, so it’s not something you should think too much about.”

Baekhyun opened his mouth, ready to protest, but Chanyeol placed a finger over his lips. “I mean it, Baek. Don’t think about it. Focus on yourself, on your recovery. What I feel is my business and I’ll deal with it. All I want is for you to get better. Your well-being is what matters the most right now.”

The smaller bit his bottom lip. “But aren’t I hurting you?”

Chanyeol chuckled. “No, you’re not. I promise you I’m fine. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Baekhyun couldn’t fight that logic, though he still had his doubts. After all, he wanted Chanyeol to be happy. If he could, he would reciprocate his feelings in a heartbeat. He knew that  _ something _ was brewing in his heart, something that went beyond friendly affection. Yet he wasn’t ready to figure those feelings out. It wouldn’t be fair to Chanyeol if Baekhyun tried to pursue him when he wasn’t whole still. 

“Don’t wait for me,” he told Chanyeol. 

The taller smiled. “Don’t worry about that.”

Baekhyun wanted to insist. No matter how hard it was to think about Chanyeol with someone else, Baekhyun couldn’t be selfish. Still, he decided to let the matter go. Chanyeol was stubborn anyway and wouldn’t listen to him no matter what he said. “Okay.”

Chanyeol smiled at him with that smile that Baekhyun had come to learn was reserved for him. His stomach filled with butterflies at the sight. “Are you hungry? I made some soup.”

Baekhyun didn’t even have time to reply because Chanyeol was out of the bedroom before he could say anything. Chuckling, Baekhyun shook his head and smiled fondly. That gentle giant was really something else. He didn’t know what he did to deserve having such an amazing human being care for him. 

Baekhyun pondered on his words and told himself Chanyeol was right. He could do it. He  _ will _ do it. No matter how many more obstacles he had to overcome, he’d gotten that far and he wasn’t about to give up.

‘I can do it,’ he told himself. ‘And maybe someday...I could return your feelings, Chanyeollie. Maybe someday.’

++++

Starting again wasn’t easy, but that didn’t stop Baekhyun from trying. Just like Chanyeol said, he’d managed to go through the process once, he could do it again. And not surprisingly, it was easier the second time around. Retaking his forgotten habits like working out was easy. His body welcomed the familiar sensations of his muscles burning with the exertion and the subsequent pain that followed once one rested. 

His therapist also encouraged him and applauded Chanyeol’s words. “He’s right. You did it once, you can do it again. Especially with how determined you are,” she said. 

Baekhyun knew her words were true. He made the decision to become better once and one fall wasn’t going to keep him from reaching the finish line. He wouldn’t be defeated, not when he knew he was capable of accomplishing anything he set his mind to. 

With his therapist, they analyzed what triggered his relapse. They studied every detail of how it occurred, the feelings that brewed when the situation happened, and the path his mind followed until he found himself in Sehun’s apartment. It wasn’t easy to admit to himself what exactly happened, or how, but it was necessary. Part of the journey of recovery was to acknowledge the ugly side of the situation to move past it and continue with the process. This time around, the process was less scary than the first time. Baekhyun had already gone through it, had already passed the anxiety of uncertainty and had come to accept his worth without Sehun. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t insecure occasionally, but it was nothing like it was before. 

It had taken him to relapse to realize just how far he’d actually come. Before, his progress had seemed minimum. But now, looking back at where he started and how easy it was to go through his previous process a second time around, he realized just how well he’d done before. 

“I already told you, you’re amazing,” said Chanyeol one afternoon as they ate some frozen yogurt on a bench at the park. 

Baekhyun chuckled. “I don’t know if I’m at that level, but thank you,” he said before he took a spoon of the sweet substance. 

“I’m just being honest,” said Chanyeol. “You’re doing great so far and I’m sure you’re going to come out of this victorious.”

Baekhyun felt tears sting his eyes, but he didn’t allow them to fall. Instead, he glanced at Chanyeol and smiled. “Thank you for being by my side through the process. I really appreciate it.”

Chanyeol returned the gaze. “You’re welcome. It’s what friends do.”

Friends...yeah, friends. They were friends. Even if Chanyeol felt  _ something _ for Baekhyun and Baekhyun reciprocated, Baekhyun wasn’t able to properly correspond. Not for the time being, at least. And while it hurt, it was the right thing to do. Until Baekhyun hadn’t reached the stage of termination, he couldn’t give in to his growing feelings for the giant.

It was some months after that Chanyeol started going out with a japanese exchange student. And yes, it hurt to see Chanyeol with him, but Baekhyun did his best not to show it. After all, Chanyeol had done so much for him. It was only fair that Chanyeol looked for his own happiness with someone that could return his feelings. He deserved happiness and Baekhyun wasn’t about to take that away from him. Not after everything the taller had done for him. 

Baekhyun continued to work on himself. He didn’t give up on his progress despite spending less time with Chanyeol. His recovery path was his own, after all, and he couldn’t rely on anyone to finish it. 

“The only person who’ll be with you unconditionally from the moment you’re born to the day you die is yourself,” he told his therapist when he opened up about his feelings. He hadn’t been able to talk to Kyungsoo about them, more out of shame of being so selfish. But the therapist wouldn’t judge him, so he could open up to her. 

“That’s true, but having the support from others is good for the recovery process,” she replied. 

Baekhyun knew that was true, of course. Without Kyungsoo and Chanyeol he wouldn’t have been able to keep going. They pushed him and encouraged him whenever everything turned difficult. They were his number one supporters and he would be eternally grateful to them for that. 

As such, he strived to become even better. He worked even harder than before while also being there whenever  _ they _ needed  _ him _ . It was about time he returned the favor. Even if hearing Chanyeol speak about his boyfriend so fondly hurt, Baekhyun listened like a dutiful friend. He wouldn’t begrudge him his happiness nor would he take it away from him. 

Time kept passing by and Baekhyun kept seeing the progress in his life. He felt much better about himself, much lighter and at peace in his own body. He still had something to do, though he was scared to take that step. The last time he’d spoken to his parents -excluding whenever he needed to pay for his apartment or university bills- was when he’d left for university. They were opposed to his relationship with Sehun. They always knew he wouldn’t be a good partner, but Baekhyun always ignored them. 

In the end, they’d been right. Baekhyun hadn’t been able to face them yet, to tell them they were right. Not because he couldn’t acknowledge that he should’ve listened. No, it was because he was too ashamed of himself, of how he’d acted, of everything he’d said. He felt guilty about how he treated them. He didn’t have the courage to face them after what happened.

Still, it was a necessary step. He knew that his parents would love to be part of his path to recovery. And admittedly, he missed them terribly. 

His plans were ruined when the second relapse happened. It all started one afternoon while he was busy at work. He’d been preparing drinks diligently with the brightest smile he could muster to his customers when Sehun walked in with that self-sufficient smile Baekhyun had grown to despise. He tried his best to keep his walls strong as he spoke to him like he was any other customer. Sadly, it didn’t work. 

He’d progressed so well. He’d advanced more than the first time he went through the stages. But sadly, he hadn’t reached full recovery and Sehun’s influence on his body was proof of that. He tried to ignore him and he’d succeeded on that afternoon, which was a small victory. But the guy was relentless. He was determined to get Baekhyun back in his clutches after Junmyeon broke up with him for the millionth time. 

Baekhyun tried everything in his power to resist him. He truly used all the will he possessed to ignore the need that Sehun ignited in his body. Sadly, it didn’t work. 

He’d been planning to call his parents and set up a date. Kyungsoo had been urging him to do it and he figured it was time to face them. Yet the reappearance of Sehun in his life ruined those plans. He soon found himself falling down a path he knew very well, but one he couldn’t stop. 

His mind conjured images of the man at all times of the day until he was the only thing Baekhyun could think about. The memories made his body tingle with desire for what he recalled Sehun made him feel. He knew it would be bad, he knew he would be used and then discarded, but his mind didn’t care. He  _ needed _ him and his constant presence only made the desire worse and worse. 

He tried to resist him, but Sehun knew how to slip into his mind. He knew just what words to use. He knew him well, he’d learned to read him with time. He knew that degrading Baekhyun was the way to go because Baekhyun’s self-love was fragile. And while he’d managed to rebuild his self-esteem, he’d been nowhere near an ideal level that could withstand an attack from Sehun. 

Baekhyun was starting to feel his resolve crumble when the man started to follow him home after class or after work. The smaller always tried his best to ignore him, but seeing him everywhere made him weaken. It didn’t come as a surprise when one particular night, he gave in and allowed Sehun to enter his apartment. 

Just like the previous time, the sex was cold and painful, but consensual. Baekhyun’s body screamed with the satisfaction of being used by the man. But once it was over and Sehun degraded him and mocked him for being weak, the repercussions of his actions hit him. He felt disgusted by his actions, but this time around, he didn’t run to look for comfort. This time, he faced what he did by himself. 

He stayed cooped up in his apartment for the following week, giving his boss a half-assed excuse that the man chose to overlook because “you’ve always been a good employee.” He asked Kyungsoo to speak to his teachers for him, though Baekhyun didn’t tell him why he wasn’t going to school. It wasn’t necessary either because Baekhyun explained as soon as Kyungsoo dropped by. 

“I-I’m sorry,” he cried as his body trembled. “I-I tried, I promise I tried!”

Kyungsoo comforted him that afternoon. “I believe you, Baek. You don’t have to apologize,” he said as he held Baekhyun in his arms. 

He spoke to Chanyeol about it too, who reminded him of his efforts and his accomplishments like the first time. “You can do it, Baek. You’re strong enough.”

Forgiving himself was harder than the first time because he’d thought he was doing better. He still managed to do it and worked on himself once again. 

Just like he noticed the second time, the third round was slightly easier. He reminded himself that he had done it two times before, he could do it again. He started on the wrong foot with all the pessimism that overtook him, unlike the second time. But he slowly worked through it with his therapist. 

“You need to remember that relapsing is normal. It can happen many times before you reach your recovery,” she said. 

Baekhyun knew this was true, but he couldn’t help feeling sad after what happened. “I hate how my body enjoys whenever he treats me badly. I feel...complete when he uses me like I mean nothing. It makes me feel sick to think just how...much power he has over me,” he said as he cried, feeling comfortable enough with his therapist to be completely honest.

From that point forward, they explored the nature of his desire for Sehun’s mistreatment. They tried to dig deep into his thoughts and unveiled the secrets that lied behind them. They dug deeper into them until they both figured out how Sehun managed to turn his actions into weapons. They worked on how Sehun had lowered his self-esteem at first with subtle comments here and there. Then, they explored the isolation and how that played a role in contributing to the lowering of his self-love. 

It took months of work from both their parts until Baekhyun finally reached a point where the trauma of Sehun’s influence in his life caused him low levels of anxiety. It was tough and Baekhyun spent nights and days crying in his bedroom over the anxiety. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had found him in that state several times and had been quick to intervene. 

The third round was the hardest for Baekhyun. It was physically and emotionally taxing because this time around he gave himself the chance to truly face his problems. He’d grown confident enough with his therapist and with himself to finally confront what had been troubling him. 

Most days, he felt like giving up. Perhaps he wouldn’t ever recover. Maybe getting better was impossible for someone damaged like him. Maybe someone used and discarded, someone weak and pathetic, didn’t deserve to find his own well-being. 

“Don’t say that,” insisted Chanyeol one day Baekhyun kept mumbling that incoherently in the middle of an anxiety crisis. “That’s not true.”

As always, Chanyeol helped him through his struggle unconditionally. He’d broken up with his japanese boyfriend some time after Baekhyun’s second relapse. Chanyeol didn’t tell him why it happened and Baekhyun didn’t ask, choosing to give him his privacy and space. If he wanted to tell him someday, then Baekhyun would be willing to listen the way Chanyeol always had with him. 

Time passed and as they neared the end of their senior year of college, Baekhyun felt hopeful. Perhaps graduation would also mean the end of his suffering. Maybe a new beginning was in store for him. A good one far away from the source of his distress and pain. 

Sadly, he didn’t leave university without facing the man once more. As it was, Sehun was relentless and loved having someone to control to his heart’s content. Every time he broke up or had a fight with Junmyeon, he would seek Baekhyun. Oftentimes, Baekhyun would manage to ignore him, but as it was, some days he simply...couldn’t. He kept himself strong, though, or at least tried, by reminding himself of all the progress he’d made, of all his accomplishments, and what it would mean to fall back into the man’s clutches. 

The final test came one week before graduation. Finals had already passed by and Baekhyun was leaving the café as an employee for the last time. Sehun had been waiting for him at the entrance with that ever present, arrogant smirk on his lips. 

Baekhyun tried to ignore him, cursing himself for forgetting his umbrella as he stared at the heavy downpour that had engulfed the city unexpectedly. After all, it wasn’t common for it to rain during that time of the year. He thought about calling Chanyeol and asking him to pick him up since he remembered the taller mentioned he was going to spend the afternoon lazing around in his apartment. But when he checked his phone he saw he had run out of battery. 

“You pathetic slut,” he heard Sehun growl, clearly annoyed by Baekhyun’s lack of attention to him. “Look at me when I talk to you!” He exclaimed as he grabbed his wrist and made Baekhyun face him harshly.

“Let go of me,” said Baekhyun. He tried to keep his face void of any emotions even if deep inside he was scared. 

Sehun smirked. “You belong to me, you stupid whore. And you listen to me when I give you an order.”

Baekhyun’s heart was beating uncontrollably in his chest. He stared at the handsome features of the man who had once been his all and he felt...nothing. Despite still feeling the need to follow as Sehun said, despite having that desire to please him and to bow down to his whims and offenses, he managed to shut off that part of his mind with relative ease. His body tingled at the harsh touch of Sehun’s hand on his wrist, but the feeling that overtook his body wasn’t that of pleasure. It was one of disgust. His body was rejecting the man despite a part of him still wanting him. 

It felt...liberating. 

Baekhyun’s eyes filled with tears as realization hit him. Sehun kept speaking, but he was able to tune him out thanks to the memories of his hard work and progress. He remembered Kyungsoo and Chanyeol; he remembered his broken relationship with his parents. He remembered the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the anxiety attacks, and the hours of self-loathing. He thought about the painful sex, about the forced intercourse, about the hits, and about the screams. His mind was filled with everything that had happened to him in the years since he decided to start dating Sehun and used it as the strength he needed to finally defeat the remnants of toxic codependency that still filled his body. 

“Leave me alone, Sehun. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Why can’t you understand that?” He said as his body was filled with a courage that he’d never felt in front of Sehun. “You keep saying I’m the one who’s desperate for you, but you’re the one who keeps insisting. Every time you have a fight with Junmyeon, you come crawling, looking for me. You follow me around for days until I give into you. So tell me, who’s the pathetic one?”

Baekhyun could see the dark look in his eyes. It scared him, but he kept his stance. He wasn’t about to back out from what he said. He meant every word and it was time to say them out loud. 

“How fucking dare you talk to me like that?” Growled Sehun as he raised his hand. 

Baekhyun smirked. “Do it, I dare you to hit me in public,” he sneered. Sehun was fuming, but turned to see Baekhyun’s boss was staring at them from the inside of the café ready to intervene. He clenched his jaw and lowered his hand slowly before returning his angry gaze to Baekhyun. “You’re a fucking coward,” murmured Baekhyun. 

“You think you’re so brave, but I bet you’ll come crawling back to me in no time. It’s what dirty, needy whores like you do,” snarled Sehun. 

The smaller chuckled at his words. “Don’t you get it, Sehun? I don’t care about you anymore. You once had a lot of power over me, but not anymore. I’ve moved on. So just leave me alone already and fuck off.”

Baekhyun didn’t wait for the man’s reply. He stepped under the rain, uncaring of how drenched he got in seconds, and walked away from his nightmare without looking back. He could feel the tears in his eyes mixing with the raindrops soaking his skin, but he didn’t care. Nothing could erase the smile on his face. 

He kept walking down the city streets until he reached the park, now out of view from Sehun, and knelt on the concrete ground. He gave himself the chance to breathe as he raised his head and faced the sky. The rain continued to fall on him, but he didn’t care. It was what he needed. He didn’t know if he was sobbing or laughing, but it didn’t matter either way. He felt so liberated in that moment that the rain stood on a second plain somewhere in the back of his mind. 

He smiled as he took in the comforting smell of wet soil and the cool temperature of the droplets on his skin. After suffering for so long, after all the struggles, the hard work, the years of therapy, and changes, he’d finally managed to breathe. It was like that pressure that had been permanently present on his chest had disappeared. 

He’d confronted Sehun and for once, he’d walked away. He’d managed to fight the part of himself that had craved Sehun for years, that had begged for his mistreatment, that had believed all he deserved was the treatment he received. He’d been strong enough to ignore Sehun’s tauntings and left. After years of feeling like Sehun was all that mattered to him, he finally found the courage to leave him behind for good. 

Once, the heavy downpour of the rain on his body had been a sign of how lost he was. He’d felt suffocated under it, trapped under its heavy force as it coated the city with its powerful presence. To Baekhyun, the rain was a sign of defeat, of weakness, of pain...but not anymore.

No, not anymore because in that moment, each droplet that fell on his skin cleaned any traces left of Sehun. He could picture it in his mind, the way the rain cleaned the grotesque waste left behind by the man for years. All the abuse, all the offenses, all the hits, all the painful memories were being washed away. 

The fog that had taken over his mind was lifted and he was finally able to  _ feel _ . The details of the city turned clear through the heavy veil of rain falling from the sky and the sound of the storm entered his ears with full clarity. He looked at his fingers and moved them, awed by how good it felt to be in full control of his senses. After all the struggles he was forced to endure, he saw the finish line of the dark cycle that he’d been stuck in for a long time. 

In that moment, as his nerve endings sang with the caress of the water on his skin, he felt free from his pain. After so long, he knew that he was finally clean.

++++

Reaching the stage of termination brought with it a much needed series of changes to Baekhyun’s life. While he still had many things to work on, knowing that he was finally free of the restraint that was Sehun in his life was a relief. Yes, sometimes he would feel that familiar throbbing in his body that screamed for Sehun, but it was easy to ignore it once he reminded himself of everything. 

As it was, Sehun didn’t bother him anymore, which was a relief. The last time Baekhyun saw him was during their graduation. Sehun was with Junmyeon and their parents. Their eyes met briefly, but Baekhyun looked away immediately and focused on his parents, who he’d invited to the ceremony. 

After that day, Baekhyun focused on building a new path for himself. He rebuilt the broken relationship with his parents slowly and he found a job at an prestigious publicity company in the city. He stayed in the same apartment, but he paid for the rent now instead of his parents. And of course, he stayed in contact with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. While they were more busy with their respective jobs, they still made time for each other. 

He continued going to therapy since he was aware that he still hadn’t reached his full recovery. As such, he’d become acquainted with discovering new aspects about himself and about his past. Aspects that he often found himself pondering too much on and thus making himself anxious. His therapist always encouraged him to speak these things out. Sometimes, letting go of what was stuck in the mind could help someone cope with these new discoveries. And thankfully, his friends were always willing to listen. 

One afternoon one year after his graduation from university, he found himself in Chanyeol’s living room couch watching episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist on the TV. It had been a particularly stressful week and as it usually happened, all the worries ended up with Baekhyun thinking too much about things that were left in the past. 

“Is everything okay?” Asked Chanyeol. He turned his attention to Baekhyun and studied the smaller’s features. 

Baekhyun thought about lying and saying that, sure, everything was fine. It wasn’t, though, and he knew that keeping his feelings to himself wasn’t healthy either. He sighed and smiled softly. “Not really.”

Chanyeol didn’t say anything, waiting for Baekhyun to continue. Baekhyun appreciated this. He gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts before he started speaking. “Sehun was always very...charming. He had this ability to make everyone swoon for him with a simple smile. The guy was manipulative with his words and with his actions.” Baekhyun chuckled humorlessly. “I remember that when he found out I had a crush on him, he started to follow me around. I didn’t see it that way back then, but I remember my friends pointed it out. I was flattered, thought getting his attention was nice because he was such a cool guy.”

He felt the tears sting his eyes. Despite the years that had passed and how well he’d been doing, the scars in his heart remained. “I was so naive. It felt nice to have the guy I liked reciprocate my feelings. That just made it easier for him to get into my brain and play with me as he pleased. “

Baekhyun bit his bottom lip for a moment as he tried to control his speeding thoughts. “The changes were so subtle that I didn’t notice how much I’d changed for him until it was too late. I never realized his comments made me change my eating habits or my appearance. I didn’t see what my friends saw, that Sehun was turning me into a robot that followed everything he said. I ended up losing them in a matter of months until only Kyungsoo stayed.”

He took a deep breath as he wiped his tears with his fingers. “One of my old friends tried to tell me that Sehun and Junmyeon had  _ something  _ behind my back. Do you know what I told him?” He asked as he met Chanyeol’s gaze. “I told him he was a liar and that he was jealous of the relationship I had with Sehun.”

Baekhyun started laughing at that as more tears fell. “I was so stupid back then. The signs were all there and I decided to turn a blind eye to them. I always suspected they were more than friends ever since my friend pointed it out, but I was too scared to find out if it was true or not. In the end, the both of them themselves decided to confirm my suspicions and it...hurt. Yes, it hurt that I was cheated on, but that wasn’t what hurt the most. No, what hurt me the most was the fact I lost so many important people to me because of how stupid I was to fall into Sehun’s game. I lost my friends, my family and myself for someone who wasn’t worth it.”

The smaller smiled sadly. “Of course, now I know that losing myself for  _ anyone _ isn’t worth it and isn’t healthy either. Thankfully, I managed to get out of that relationship.” He signed and looked to the side for a moment before meeting Chanyeol’s eyes again. “But you know, I feel bad for Junmyeon.”

“Why?” Asked Chanyeol, who probably sensed that Baekhyun had given him a cue to speak. 

Baekhyun smiled and shrugged. “Because he’s as much of a victim of Sehun as I was. Sehun’s been manipulating him since before I entered the picture. Sehun’s messed with his mind for a very long time and I can only hope he somehow finds a way out of it. But considering they’re getting married I doubt it.” Baekhyun sighed. “Maybe someday Junmyeon will be able to find himself. We can only hope.”

“You don’t hate him for what he did?” Asked Chanyeol. He looked genuinely curious, which told Baekhyun there was no malicious intent behind his question. 

Baekhyun shook his head. “I did at one point because I knew what was going on. But now, no. I don’t hate him. I just wish him the best.”

Neither said anything after that. Instead, they stared into each other’s eyes with small, peaceful smiles on their lips. It was always like that whenever Baekhyun vented. Chanyeol would always listen patiently and then they would remain in comfortable silence. They’d gotten to a point in their friendship where words weren’t always needed. They could remain quiet, communicating with their eyes and with their body language for hours if necessary. 

Baekhyun knew what that meant. He knew they’d passed the barrier of friendship, but he was still unsure. Not of Chanyeol, of course. He knew that, despite having dated here and there through the years, Chanyeol’s feelings for him remained the same. The problem was Baekhyun. He knew how he felt for Chanyeol already. The love he felt for the giant was clear even to the latter himself. The problem was that Baekhyun was unsure of whether he was ready to take that step or not. 

Deep down, he knew he was being stupid. Taking a risk should’ve been the best way to proceed, but he couldn’t find himself doing it. At least not yet. Chanyeol meant too much to him and the last thing he wanted was to fuck up their relationship. But Baekhyun knew he couldn’t expect Chanyeol to wait forever. Yes, he once asked him not to wait, but Chanyeol was stubborn. Yet...the taller could get tired any moment and Baekhyun wouldn’t blame him. 

Baekhyun didn’t want that. No, he wanted to be able to reciprocate Chanyeol’s feelings. They’d both waited so long and perhaps...it was time to give them a chance. But was Baekhyun ready? 

“Yeollie?” He asked, though it was unnecessary since Chanyeol already had his full attention on him. 

“Yeah?” Asked Chanyeol. 

“I really want…  _ us _ … to happen, but I don’t know how. I’m scared,” he finally confessed. 

Chanyeol took Baekhyun’s hand in his own and entwined their fingers. “Why are you scared?”

“What if I hurt you.”

The taller smiled as he brought Baekhyun’s hand to his lips and kissed his fingers gently. “You won’t, and even if you did, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. “I don’t want to make you wait any longer, but after everything that happened, I’m unsure of myself. I don’t know if I’d be able to have a normal relationship with you.”

“We don’t need to have a normal relationship, Hyunee,” said Chanyeol as he played with their fingers. “Not as long as we have each other.”

“Would you be willing to...build one with me? Even if I’m unsure of how,” asked Baekhyun, trying to ease his beating heart.

Chanyeol chuckled at that statement. “You ask me that question even after all these years of loving you?”

Baekhyun giggled. “You’re right,” he said. He leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on Chanyeol’s cheek, catching the latter off-guard. “Can we take it slow? The only relationship I ever had was...well yeah.”

Chanyeol wrapped his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and pulled his body closer. “Of course. We’ll take it at your own pace.”

“Thank you,” he murmured before he lay his head on Chanyeol’s chest and hugged him tightly. “I love you, Yeollie.”

He felt Chanyeol plant a soft kiss on the crown of his head. “I love you too, Hyunee.”

Baekhyun was scared, but taking that step had lifted a weight off his shoulders. Little by little he was starting to rebuild his life. With baby steps he was finally giving himself the chance to move forward and give himself the chance to  _ live _ . 

++++

Just like Chanyeol promised, they took their relationship slowly. The love was already there, had been long before they got together. Yet it was only until that moment that they finally gave themselves the chance to indulge in that love, to explore together, and to figure out what the future had in store for them. 

Truthfully, their relationship didn’t change much from how it used to be. Their dynamic had long passed that limit. They did become a little more shy around each other, and a little more lovey dovey too. 

“It’s sickening to watch,” complained Kyungsoo during the birthday dinner his husband Jongin had organized themsevles. “But I’m happy it came to this. You both deserve it.”

Baekhyun came to realize that they did as time went by. He’d worked hard to heal himself and Chanyeol had been right next to him through the entire journey. It had taken a long time, but they’d both been patient. And that patience had its reward. 

Some days Baekhyun could still feel fear take over, but Chanyeol was always there to remind him that everything would be okay. After all, they were in this together. As a couple, they could rely on each other. They were a team. They didn’t have a label yet, but it didn’t matter either. As it was, they were working on getting to know a different side of each other. 

From the beginning, Baekhyun noticed the differences between what he had with Sehun and what dating Chanyeol was like. Sehun never really put much effort into them, not even when he was courting him. If anything, Baekhyun came to realize that he’d settled for the bare minimum that Sehun had offered. Chanyeol wasn’t like that. The giant enjoyed reminding Baekhyun just how much he meant to him every chance he could. He did big gestures of affection sometimes, like sending him bouquets of flowers to work, or small gestures, like sending Baekhyun’s texts to remind him to have his lunch break. 

It took a couple of months, but Baekhyun started to loosen up. Chanyeol was very patient and Baekhyun was grateful. The man never pushed and allowed Baekhyun to take the first step whenever he felt ready. 

In fact, it was Baekhyun who asked for the first formal date and Chanyeol was delighted to oblige. “Can I plan it?” Asked Chanyeol. “I-I’ve had this idea in my mind for years and I would love to make it a reality.”

They both blushed at that before Baekhyun agreed. He’d had dates with Sehun, but they were never anything elaborate or fancy. Neither ever put much effort into it, so Baekhyun hadn’t gotten to experience anything too spectacular in that department. He definitely wasn’t ready for what Chanyeol had prepared. 

It wasn’t anything fancy per se, but it was something else. When Chanyeol told him he would pick him up around nine at night, Baekhyun found it weird. Yet he didn’t say anything, deciding to trust the man instead. What he didn’t expect was for Chanyeol to drive him out of the city into an empty field in the middle of the night and set up a telescope and a picnic. 

“My grandpa used to take me out to his backyard every night during my summer breaks to watch the stars. After he passed, I kept the tradition by myself and now, I want to share it with you,” said Chanyeol with a small smile on his lips. 

Baekhyun felt his heart skip several beats at those words. He didn’t know what he did to deserve being included into such a special hobby of Chanyeol’s. He felt honored and silently promised himself to cherish it.

Chanyeol had prepared some dishes that they ate together as they sat on a blanket that the taller packed in his car. They spent their time talking about everything and nothing, time losing its meaning as they enjoyed their date. Baekhyun felt alive like never before as he listened to Chanyeol talk about stuff that to other may have seemed insignificant, but to Baekhyun it meant everything. Even when the topic veered into a more serious territory, the atmosphere of peace and comfort they’d built through time managed to keep any heavy emotions at bay. 

And when Chanyeol showed Baekhyun different stars and constellations with his telescope, the night turned even more magnificent. Baekhyun had never seen anything more spectacular. He could let himself free like never before. His body felt light and alive as he enjoyed the sight in front of him...or maybe it was the sensation of experiencing a real, healthy, carefree type of love for the first time. 

It seemed surreal to him that at twenty five he’d get to feel the way he did for the first time. Sehun never ignited in him what Chanyeol did. He never made Baekhyun’s skin tingle with electricity whenever his finger brushed against it. He never made butterflies riot in his stomach with the sound of his voice. He never made his heart race with the feeling of his breath falling on his neck.

...And he never made Baekhyun feel like fireworks were ignited around them when he kissed him. 

Because the moment Baekhyun turned and noticed Chanyeol’s lips close to his own as he explained what constellation they were seeing, Baekhyun knew that he was ready to take that next step with him. Feeling any remnants of fear leave his body, he leaned forward and joined their lips in a soft kiss that had the taller freezing in shock. Chanyeol soon responded, though. He glided his lips over Baekhyun’s gently, the pair getting acquainted with the other.

The kiss didn’t last long. It didn’t escalate and it didn’t turn passionate. It was a simple touch between two pairs of lips that had finally met after years of anticipation. It was perfect. 

“I love you,” murmured Baekhyun. It wasn’t the first time he said it to Chanyeol, but it was the first time he said it with that much sentiment in his voice. He’d been honest when he said it before, but in that moment, under the light blanket of stars above them, the words felt more intimate, more sincere. 

“I love you too,” replied Chanyeol before he leaned down and kissed Baekhyun again. 

For the rest of the night, they stayed in each other’s arms, lying on the blanket and kissing with different levels of intensity. They kept each other warm as they exchanged words of love and giggles of devotion until the sun started to come out. They made a silent promise to each other to tread on this new beginning together despite any obstacles that may appear in their path. Together they would get through anything from now on. 

++++

Their relationship continued to grow from that point forward. The physical aspect became more prominent, yet the change wasn’t unpleasant or forced. If anything, it was welcomed. Physical contact with Chanyeol felt nice and natural like breathing. No matter how heated the kiss, they were always sweet. Chanyeol never pushed for more and never did anything that Baekhyun wasn’t comfortable with. Baekhyun was thankful for that. Chanyeol’s patience with him was heartwarming and made Baekhyun fall even more deeply in love. 

Chanyeol as a boyfriend was perfect. He treated Baekhyun like a king, like he was worth  _ something _ . And Baekhyun tried his best to do the same. He didn’t want to fall back into the type of relationship he had with Sehun where one gave and the other one received. If there was something Baekhyun had learned from that experience was that both parts had to give equally. For a relationship to work out, it had to be well-balanced. 

Baekhyun’s lingering fears disappeared with every day that passed. Eventually, he felt liberated enough to be able to enjoy his relationship and the lessons that he learned through it. He also loved finding out new details about Chanyeol, like his favorite color or the quirks of his morning routine. 

All in all, Baekhyun wasn’t only in love with Chanyeol, but with the dynamic they had, it was everything he didn’t have with Sehun and it was...wonderful.

“I’m glad you two found each other,” said Kyungsoo one afternoon as he and Baekhyun drank a cup of coffee at their favorite coffee shop. 

“Me too,” said Baekhyun before he took a sip from his drink. 

“I must admit I was scared at one point that you wouldn’t leave Sehun and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it,” confessed Kyungsoo. Baekhyun was caught off guard by this because Kyungsoo never spoke about this with him. “I don’t think I ever told you, but I’m really proud of you. You went through a rough patch, but you worked hard to get past it. The journey was difficult, but you didn’t give up. If anything, the obstacles pushed you to try harder. That was very brave of you.”

Baekhyun could feel the tears ready to fall from the corners of his eyes, but he reigned them in knowing perfectly well that Kyungsoo wasn’t the emotional type. Besides, he didn’t want to ruin the mood. Instead, he smiled teasingly. “You’re going all soft on me, Soo. This is a first.”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, but Baekhyun noticed the way his eyes shined with unshed tears. Despite his cold exterior, Kyungsoo was actually a fluffball. 

“Thank you,” said Baekhyun. Kyungsoo smiled in return, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. They’d known each other for long enough to understand each other well. They didn’t need to speak to portray their thoughts. 

They remained silent for a moment before a thought entered Baekhyun’s mind. He pondered on whether or not he should ask his friend until he figured he had nothing to lose. Besides, he didn’t have anyone else to talk about it. “Soo, can I ask you something?” 

“Go ahead,” replied Kyungsoo as he frowned. 

Baekhyun bit his bottom lip and blushed. “H-how-” He cleared his throat. “How do you tell your partner that you’re….r-ready for…”

“Ready for?” Asked Kyungsoo with a raised eyebrow.

Baekhyun gulped. “F-for sex,” he murmured in the end. 

Kyungsoo took a sip from his coffee before putting his cup down on the table and sighing. “You just tell them ‘hey, I want to have sex with you!’”

Baekhyun glared at his friend. “Soo, I’m being serious!”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and sighed. “Baekhyun, you just have to talk about it. Like you’ve talked about everything in your relationship up to this point. Be honest with him.”

“B-but it’s sex.”

“So? You’re not a virgin and neither is he.”

Baekhyun nibbled on his bottom lip as he stared at Kyungsoo with puppy eyes. “B-but...you know I find sex...scary.”

Kyungsoo sent him a sad smile. “I know, Baek. I know that the image you have of sex is twisted because of Sehun. I understand that this isn’t an easy step for you to make, but if you’re asking me for advice, then it means that you want it. And if you want it, I think you should talk about it with Chanyeol. He’ll understand.”

Kyungsoo was right and Baekhyun knew it. Still, it didn’t erase the fact that speaking to Chanyeol about it was scary. After all, sex with Sehun had always been a game of power and dominance. Sehun used it to remind Baekhyun he was the one in charge, the one that made the rules Baekhyun had to follow. That was why the thought of sex was scary, because the memories of his past experiences were...horrific. 

He thought about Kyungsoo’s words for the following days. Chanyeol noticed something was up and asked him about it, but Baekhyun denied it. Chanyeol let it go, though Baekhyun could tell he was still worried.

Eventually, Baekhyun got fed up with himself and decided to open up to Chanyeol. It was easier said than done, but he managed to push his nerves away. He sat down with Chanyeol on a Friday night at the taller’s apartment. Chanyeol stared at him like he always did, waiting for Baekhyun to say whatever was on his mind. 

“You know that the idea I had of  _ this _ ,” he said as he motioned at both of their bodies with his hands. “Was, well you know, twisted, right? Um, my experience with relationships and all that is...well yeah.”

Chanyeol smiled fondly at him and nodded. “Babe, I know,” he said as he grabbed Baekhyun’s hands and ran soothing circles on his fingers. 

Baekhyun chuckled. “Well, yeah. And you know that includes, um, sex too,” he said and blushed when Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows. “What I want to say is that I want to have sex with you,” he said. Chanyeol opened his mouth in an ‘o’ shape. Baekhyun felt mortified. “I-I mean, I’m still a little scared about it because you know, my past, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.” Baekhyun gulped and waited for Chanyeol to say something, he remained silent and with an unreadable expression. “I mean, if you want to do it.”

Chanyeol chuckled. “Hyunee, I would love to have sex with you,” he replied. He cupped Baekhyun’s cheek and leaned in to plant a soft peck on his lips. “If you’re sure about it, we can do it. And if you’re not ready, we can wait.”

“I’m ready,” murmured Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol rubbed their noses in an affectionate gesture. “Then, we would have to think about how we want it to go. Usually, these things happen naturally, but we can plan it out too-”

“I want to do it right now,” interrupted Baekhyun before his cheeks burned with embarrassment over how blunt he was. 

“Oh, okay,” said Chanyeol as he sat back, surprise clear in his face. “Well, we need lube and condoms cuz I don’t have any…”

“Um, about that,” said Baekhyun before he turned around and rummaged through his bag -which he’d left on the couch cushion next to him. He pulled out the bottle and bit his lip as he returned his attention to Chanyeol. “I bought lube on my way here and as for the condoms...I restarted my birth control when we started dating in case we ever, you know…”

Chanyeol’s expression was funny. His mouth was wide open and moved as he tried to come up with something to pronounce. In the end, he simply said: “wow.” 

“I figured if we talked about it there would be a possibility that we would do it tonight so I decided to come prepared.”

The taller studied Baekhyun’s features for a moment before he entwined their fingers. “I’m okay with it if you are. I just don’t want you to regret it after.”

Baekhyun shook his head. “I won’t.”

Chanyeol nodded. “We can stop if you want to, yeah? I won’t get upset.”

“Okay.”

They stayed in the same position for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes. They communicated silently for a moment, Chanyeol assessing if Baekhyun was really okay. Once he found his answer, he nodded and stood up. “Come. I’ll take care of you.”

They walked down the hallway, the light blue walls adorned with pictures of Chanyeol’s loved ones -including Baekhyun. They’re smiling faces gave peace to Baekhyun’s heart. It was as if they knew what this step they were about to take meant to Baekhyun, what it symbolized not only for their relationship, but for Baekhyun’s recovery. 

Once in the bedroom, Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun’s face gently and planted a soft path of kisses on the smaller’s face. He started with his forehead, then his cheeks, his jaw, his nose and finally, his lips. The first kiss was a soft peck followed by another before he glided his lips over Baekhyun slowly. The latter corresponded, following Chanyeol’s slow rhythm.

They’d kissed many times in the previous months, but in that moment, the kiss was different. Perhaps because it was the prelude to something bigger, something that Baekhyun knew would change the dynamic of their relationship. The thought was scary, but it also excited him. 

They helped each other take their clothes off in between kisses. They took their time to appreciate the other’s naked body as more of it came into view with each piece of clothing that was discarded. 

Once all their clothes were off, Baekhyun lay down on the bed and Chanyeol followed behind, sitting back on his knees to study Baekhyun’s body. “You’re beautiful.”

Baekhyun blushed at his words, but he didn’t cover himself. He liked the attention, he liked the way Chanyeol’s gaze made him feel. He’d hated himself for a long time, he’d never been confident in his own skin. It was time to give himself the chance to feel good about his body. “I love you.”

Chanyeol leaned down and joined their lips in a heady kiss that left Baekhyun breathless. “I love you too.”

They continued to kiss with fervor as their hands started to explore each other’s skin. They caressed with passion and learned the shape of each other’s curves. Then Chanyeol separated their lips to start his trek down his neck, sucking and licking as he went along. Baekhyun was sure there would be marks the following day, but he didn’t care. If anything, the idea thrilled him.

Chanyeol took his time, kissing every inch of skin his lips came in contact with until Baekhyun was a moaning mess. Baekhyun’s senses were hyper aware of Chanyeol, of the way his skin felt when it got in contact with his own, of the softness of his hair as Baekhyun pulled at it with his fingers, of the way his mouth felt when it engulfed Baekhyun’s length with its warmth. 

“Ah Chanyeol,” moaned Baekhyun as his hips moved on their own accord, desperate to get more friction. 

That prompted the giant to speed his movements. A scream was ripped from Baekhyun’s lips as he felt his body tingle like it never did before. He’d had orgarsms, of course, but they’d never been provoked by someone else. Sehun never cared if he had his climax, so most times Baekhyun had been the one to give himself one after Sehun left.

“Chanyeol, please,” he begged, though he was unsure of what he was asking for. 

Chanyeol let go of his erection with a loud pop and looked up at him. “Please what?” He asked. His hair was a mess and his lips were swollen from the attention he’d been giving to Baekhyun’s cock. The sight was beautiful. 

“I need you,” replied Baekhyun, suddenly feeling shy with the way Chanyeol was looking at him. 

Smiling, Chanyeol got on his hands and knees and crawled over Baekhyun’s body. When they were face to face, he leaned down and kissed Baekhyun’s lips softly. “How do you feel?”

“I feel great,” replied Baekhyun with a goofy smile. “You can continue.”

Chanyeol chuckled before he pecked his lips. “Yes sir,” he replied before his features turned serious. “But you can tell me if you want to stop.”

Baekhyun caressed Chanyeol’s cheek with his fingers. “I know.”

Chanyeol moved his arm to the side and grabbed the bottle of lube. He uncapped it and lathered three of his fingers with the substance. Then, he rubbed his fingers together to warm the gel up. He leaned down and kissed Baekhyun slowly, their tongues meeting in soft caresses as the taller levelled his index finger with Baekhyun’s entrance. 

He took it slowly, pumping his finger in and out gently to give Baekhyun time to get acquainted with the intrusion. When he deemed him ready, he added a second finger, which made Baekhyun flinch. “Sorry, it’s been a while.”

Chanyeol caressed his cheek. “It’s okay, baby. We’re taking it slowly.”

Baekhyun appreciated it. It had been years since he last had sex and the last time wasn’t exactly...pleasant. Well, none of his previous experiences were good. Sehun never really cared if he was well prepared or even if he wanted to do it or not. Since the very first time they did it, it had been all about Sehun. Baekhyun had never mattered. It was so bad that he’d believed that was the way it was supposed to be until he discussed the matter with his therapist years later. 

The memory stung, but he brushed the thought away. Those times were over. He had a relationship with a wonderful man that loved him and actually cared about him. That was all that mattered. Whatever happened in the past should stay there. 

Chanyeol was very careful when he added a third finger, but it still stung. Baekhyun tried not to show it, but Chanyeol knew how to read him well. The taller nuzzled his cheek and whispered words of encouragement and love to help Baekhyun get accustomed to the sensation. It helped. Before Baekhyun knew it, he was moaning from how good Chanyeol’s ministrations felt. 

“Do you want to keep going?” Asked Chanyeol as he pulled his fingers out. He supported his upper body with his arms on either side of Baekhyun’s head.

Baekhyun looked up at Chanyeol, touched with the way the taller cared so much. “I do.”

Chanyeol smiled. “Okay.”

Chanyeol moved his hips until his cock was aligned with Baekhyun’s entrance. He leaned down to kiss Baekhyun and his fingers ran soothing circles on his scalp as he entered him very slowly. 

“Shh, it’s okay, baby,” whispered Chanyeol before he pecked Baekhyun’s lips. 

Baekhyun shut his eyes tightly and dug his nails into the skin of Chanyeol’s back to try to keep himself grounded. “Keep going,” he murmured through gritted teeth. Chanyeol looked unsure, but did as he asked. The taller continued to enter him, his length molding Baekhyun’s tight walls. Once he was completely inside, he stopped and waited for Baekhyun to be ready. 

“Take your time,” he whispered.

Baekhyun nodded. “Thank you,” he murmured. He puckered his lips in a silent request that Chanyeol obliged. They kissed while Baekhyun gained the courage to keep going. 

It was hard. Sex had always been painful for Baekhyun, so the pain he was feeling was too familiar. It brought bad memories that he thought he’d already erased from his mind. He took a series of deep breaths as he tried to ground himself. He was with Chanyeol, someone who would never hurt him on purpose. The same man that loved him when he couldn’t find the strength to love himself. The one that had been with him through his lowest moments. 

“You can continue,” murmured Baekhyun, sure of what he wanted. 

Chanyeol leaned his forehead against Baekhyun’s and joined his left hand with Baekhyun’s right one. Then, he started to move his hips very slow. It stung, but Baekhyun didn’t stop him. This is what he wanted, what he  _ needed _ . He clung to Chanyeol’s back with his free hand and made his mind focus on the sensations that Chanyeol was evoking in him. He focused on the way their hands felt when joined, the way their foreheads touched so delicately, on the taller’s body above his own, on his breath that fell gently over his lips, on his scent, and on the way his cock felt inside him. 

Very slowly, Baekhyun felt how the pain turned into something more, something nice, something  _ good _ . Tingles started to travel from his core to different parts of his body like a gentle whisper. His skin grew hot and sensitive. It felt...good. 

“You can go faster,” he mumbled. 

Chanyeol sped up the movements of his hips gradually, giving them both the chance to get acquainted with the other’s body and the way they made each other feel. Moans and groans left their lips as they moved together, their bodies joined deliciously in a dance of love and passion. 

“Fuck, Chanyeol,” moaned Baekhyun when the taller’s erection hit a spot that drove Baekhyun insane. “Right there,” he gasped, unsure of what exactly ‘there’ was. The sounds of their love making vibrated against the bedroom walls and intensified as the sensations accumulated in their bodies. 

Baekhyun had never felt something so overwhelming in his life. It was like they’d become one, their bodies and their souls joined through an unbreakable connection made of their love. Tears started to fall from Baekhyun’s eyes because of the pleasure and the emotions that had suddenly consumed him.

“I love you,” he gasped as he squeezed Chanyeol’s hand. “I love you so much.” 

“I love you too,” groaned Chanyeol as his movements started to become more erratic. “Come on baby, you can cum whenever you’re ready.”

Baekhyun nodded, his lips moving as they tried to form a coherent sound. A loud scream of Chanyeol’s name was what slipped past his lips as his entire body was overridden by the most delicious waves of electricity that he’d ever felt. His vision turned white as he was consumed by his climax. He felt Chanyeol spill his seed inside him, which only intensified how he was feeling. 

It felt like an eternity, but when the feeling passed, Baekhyun felt exhausted. He could feel Chanyeol breathing erratically above him. His face was buried in Baekhyun’s neck and was planting soft kisses on his skin. Baekhyun raised his free hand and carded his fingers through Chanyeol’s sweaty hair, trying to soothe him. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. The tears hadn’t stopped falling. It hadn’t only been the best orgasm of his life, but the love he felt...it was something he never thought he would be able to experience. His emotions started to overwhelm him and before he knew it he was a sobbing mess. 

“Hyunee?” He heard Chanyeol ask, alarmed. 

“I’m sorry, I just...I don’t know what I’m feeling right now,” he said through his sobs.

Chanyeol cupped his cheeks and kissed him gently. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s okay.”

“I feel like I’m ruining the moment. I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol moved to lie on his side and dragged Baekhyun along. He wrapped his arms around him and Baekhyun snuggled his face into the taller’s chest. “You’re not. Just let it all out.”

Baekhyun nodded as he clung on to him tightly. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel. Despite how much he grew as a person through the years, the scars that Sehun left bled occasionally. His relationship with Sehun had truly marked him and while he knew he was well past that, he could acknowledge that he would have to deal with the consequences for the rest of his life. 

He couldn’t understand how he managed to have a man like Chanyeol fall in love with him. He didn’t know what he did to deserve him. And what they just did, that physical act driven by lust and love, drove the point harder into his heart. He was loved and he loved in return. He’d gone through a long path of recovery and came out of it victorious. And as a prize, he gained the love that he’d been missing in his life. He got the love of a man that was amazing in every aspect. But most importantly, he fell in love with himself. 

And that realization was the most overwhelming of all. 

“Thank you,” he murmured once he calmed down, still holding Chanyeol tightly. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, love,” he heard Chanyeol whisper. “Sleep, baby.”

Chanyeol started to hum a soft melody under his breath as he ran soothing circles on his back and on his scalp with his fingers. Baekhyun felt his eyes grow heavy, lulled by the presence of the love of his life. 

“I love you,” he mumbled incoherently before sleep took him in his sweet embrace. 

XXXX

Baekhyun jumped in surprise when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist. “What’s troubling you, my love?” He heard Chanyeol speak in his ear. 

Baekhyun smiled and leaned back closer into Chanyeol’s chest and smiled. “I was just thinking about the past. You know I like to do that sometimes,” he replied with a small smile. 

Chanyeol kissed his cheek and then nuzzled his cheek, ripping a giggle from Baekhyun’s lips. “Have I ever told you how much I admire you?”

“About a million times,” replied Baekhyun. He craned his neck and planted a soft peck on his husband’s lips. 

Chanyeol hummed. “And I’ll say it a million more. You’re amazing.”

Baekhyun turned around in his husband’s arms to face him. “Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for sticking by my side even in my hardest moments.”

Chanyeol cupped his cheek and smiled. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. Loving you is an honor.”

They both leaned in, lost in their own world, ready to join their lips in a tender kiss, when they felt two giggling bodies jumping on them. The couple pulled away and took their three-year-old twins in their arms. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing with their children in bliss. The sun was shining high up in the sky, warming everything in its wake. Baekhyun felt his heart fill up with the love that he managed to receive in his life after all the suffering. Despite the dark times, he pulled himself together and found the way to form a family with the love of his life. 

“I love you,” he murmured against his husband’s ear when the twins got distracted for a moment. 

“I love you too,” replied Chanyeol before he stole a kiss from him. 

Yes, Baekhyun felt like the luckiest man on Earth.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've come this far, thank you for joining Baekhyun and I in this journey. Writing this wasn't easy, but finishing it was gratifying. I hope it somehow healed you the way it did for me.
> 
> Always remember, we are human beings. We aren't perfect. We will have ups and downs. You are amazing, you are strong, you can do it. I'm rooting for you!
> 
> Have an amazing day everyone!
> 
> My Twitter if you ever want to chat: @creggcell


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